186 vs 127

In inches.

Neck 14.5, 12.75
Chest (under arms) 38.5, 32.25
Bust 41, 33.5
Ribcage 36.75, 30
Waist 37, 28.5
Belly (fullest part of pooch) 44.5, 33
Pantswaist 42.5, 33.5
Hips 46.25, 37
Under hips 45, 36
Thigh at hip 28.75, 21.75
Thigh at fullest (that inner upper thigh bump) 27, 23
Mid-thigh (at dip) 22, 18
Knee (fullest) 17.5, 14
Under knee 15.75, 13
Calf 16, 14.25
Ankle 8.75, 7.5
Arm (at base) 15.5, 11.5
Bicep 13.5, 10.75
Arm above elbow 11.25, 8.75
Forearm 11, 9
Wrist 6 1/8, 5 2/8
Base of index finger 6.8 cm, 6 cm.

Yes, I am sick in the head. I know. But another half inch and I will have lost an entire foot from the biggest part of my belly. That is astonishing to me.

Kitty, I know that it is very unlikely I will get below 121 in a healthy manner. My primary thought through most of the weight loss has been "Whatever you do, don't gain it back. No. Matter. What." Part of me would like to make not-gaining my focus. Part of me wants to see how low I can go. I have been dealing with disordered eating in some form or another for 17 years, but my excuse for not addressing it for the last 10 has been that I didn't want to get help until I had lost the weight, in case "recovery" would slow it down. Now, as a person who is objectively no longer enormous, that excuse has expired but I don't know what to do instead. I am utterly lost.

Sticking

Morning weight, certain not dehydrated: 125.4

My goal for the end of the month was 125... I think I am going to make it!

What the actual eff.

34" bust
37" hips
125.6 evening weight

I skipped waist because I had just eaten and my food baby is 29.5 inches. I think my "empty" waist is 28.5 but I'll recheck later.

HOW have I lost an inch and a quarter from my hips since February 20th??? No wonder sitting on hard surfaces hurts so much...

Morning

Morning weight, after a light breakfast and lots of water: 126.2. I'm happy with that.

EDs and intestines don't get along

I have never abused laxatives. I rarely use them at all, and have never (until last week) taken more than a recommended dose. I have never truly starved. I've been plenty malnourished, but not the sort of thing that would screw up a digestive tract.

So where did mine get it's problems from?? My "130" set of progress shots shows an obviously distended belly. I was desperate for things to get moving again after I got sick, but nothing really worked until yesterday when I went with the old standby of coffee first thing in the morning on an empty stomach.

Boy, did that ever work. Have I mentioned how upset caffeine is making my stomach these days? Yeah. But I got relief.

Today I finally hit below 127 again, 126.4. I got a 32 ounce iced tea on my way to rehearsal. Still caf, but it seems to be the least irritating and I had a long day about to start.

I got to campus and cleanout, round 2 started. Got put "on call" for work, so headed home after rehearsal instead. Come bedtime, all I've had is a south beach snack bar, a mozzarella stick, and a slim fast shake. Under 500 calories. I'm getting that deep, gnawing hunger. I think, "I'll have a big dinner tonight. I'll eat what I want." I decide to weigh myself first.

125. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. MY SCALE JUST TOLD ME I WEIGH 125.

Feck feck feck. I did still have a decent sized donned, but not the free for all I was planning. 125. I want to see that number again.

Subtle change, no?

Proper pics once I find my memory card reader.

In And Out

Bedtime weight was 130.0... Morning weight after puking my guts out involuntarily, 127.4.

Spin

starve binge Diet Coke sick fast for social dinner try to eat can't eat more Diet Coke sicker why do I do this pain

130.0

On the eve of my dreams it suddenly seems empty

The past two days I have eaten plenty (comparatively) and drunk a lot, mostly tea and water. Yesterday's evening weight 128.8, Today's morning weight 127.2.

I think I have settled at 127 for now. We've just had our last rehearsal before spring break. Part of me wants to see if I can lose a noticeable amount of weight before my next rehearsal in a week and a half. The other part of me wants to stop stripping and weighing every effing time I'm in the bathroom.

Hunger

Morning 127.2

"If I don't eat tonight at work I could probably take off another half-" no No NO.

I have often said I don't really feel like I'm steering this ship. But I'm at least trying to keep it off the rocks.

Sunrise, Sunset

Morning: 127.4
Bedtime: 128.2

Cottage cheese with chow mein noodles remains my go-to safe meal. Peanut butter is still on the list but I don't need that many calories right now.

I ate a whole box of Tagalongs yesterday. Peanut butter on cookies, dipped in chocolate. Mmm.

Today has been a handful of peanut butter chocolate "sweet & salty" nut mix, 3 mushroom & swiss single cheeseburgers smooshed into one bun, and cottage cheese with noodles.

Once again, Tempest's highly balanced food pyramid brought to you by EDNOS.

Tonight was rehearsal, which started what will be a week solid of either rehearsal or work every night. I think it will be a good thing. That it will keep me busy and get me out of my head more.

Officially Official

I drank myself silly: 2 L Diet Coke (murder on my stomach. Why, tummy, why?), 1 L iced tea, 1/2 L water between 10 am and 5 pm. I needed a weight that couldn't possibly be dehydration.

My sleep is a hot mess. I can't seem to sleep more than 4 hours at a time. But at some point I fell asleep and I slept for a while. Wake-up weight: 127 exactly. I am pleased.

But I need to stop weighing every time I blink.

I should take some progress photos

but I'm afraid they won't look any different from the last set. Sigh.

March

After set-build day 127.6.

Slept for a few hours, recheck 126.2, woke up very, very thirsty.

I'll go with 127 for the official March weight.

I ate a proper breakfast before set building because set construction is very physical. I grazed a bit at lunchtime, then went home and fell asleep in the evening.

I had a big bowl of cottage cheese with chow mein noodles when I got up. I MUST fuel better or I will crash soon trying to keep this up. The way to maintain, for me, is always, always to get smart and eat more before my body decides it's starving and sends me on a binge rampage.

Year In Review:
January 1: 134
February 1: 132
March 1: 127

The weird thing is, I'm not really sure when I started losing real weight again. At the new year, I wasn't completely confident that the 134 was real loss. At this point I'm sure my real weight (not just "I'm dehydrated and my belly has been empty for 2 days" weight) is not more than 130.

I'm noticing subtle changes in my body. I feel my ribs more easily. You can see my xiphoid process (the top of your breastbone that sticks down a little below your ribcage) when I stretch my arms over my head. My tummy fluff is the slightest bit less fluffy, which unfortunately makes the loose skin more baggy.

My collarbones are more prominent than they have ever been, I think. I wonder if it's related to the loose skin somehow?? I was doing my hair in the 3-way mirror a few days ago and saw that if you are looking over my shoulder from behind my collarbone makes a visible arc sticking out from the line between my neck and shoulder. It is a strange sight.

Records are made for breaking

I had half a Slim-Fast before rehearsal and half after. A half shot of goldschlager. I was out of it after that... Told waiterguy I needed to eat so we ended up ordering pizza for the group. But the pot came out and I made my exit before it arrived. Now I just desperately want some sleep.

Evening weight 126.6.