3, 4

129.6
130.4

At this point I'm thinking "real" weight is 129-130?

Still eating emotionally, but a bit less bingey. No 4,000 calorie days yet this year, at any rate...

Breaking News

130.4 not bad, not bad.

I just realized I am back below 60 pounds lost! 61 as of this morning. I'm also 2.4 lb from being back to 90% to goal.

Although my mind, as always, is chaos ("Weight is down today. I should restrict so it stays that way. No screw it all I'm having half a dozen cupcakes for a snack"), my eating overall has been pretty moderate. I'm not in danger of a crash-and-burn from restricting. I'm... Kind of ok.

In other gigantic news, I remeasured my waist this morning, since I had measured it just after eating last night. 

28"

That's my "You can't possibly be fat if you get back to that number" waist. It's the smallest waist I've had in 11 years. It was my smallest waist the summer before I started blowing up.  I'm wearing "not sick goal" jeans that hung in a dark corner from 2008 to 2013 because getting them up last my knees seemed like a fantasy. 

My waist varies by several inches day to day so it's easy to brush some of that off as "not bloated today." But I've also lost a solid inch and a half from my hips, which do not vary much day to day. This is real loss, real shrinking. But I can't see it. 

That's part of why I've religiously taken progress photos and measurements. Numbers don't lie, even if my eyes do. 

14

130.0 WHAT? But I'll take it. 

Breakfast burrito 290

Oreos (Halloween ones with orange creme) 280

Salisbury steak pasta broccoli 590

Pumpkin spice donut 330

Milk 180

(1670)

25 min puppy walk including... Drumroll please... One minute puppy run! The walks are mostly casual and low speed, but we did a proper one minute interval run :D

Acting the part

So here goes body insecurity and getting up in front of an audience! We will be wearing our own clothes (white shirt, jeans, sneakers) for this show so at least I don't have to get measured! I was 130.6 the day before first auditions and 134.4 today after copious drinking and eating of salty greasy things with other theater people Friday night. Tonight I'm at work and exhausted so if I need to eat to stay awake, so be it. Tomorrow is another day. 

What's in your head, in your head, zombie, zombie zombie (final)

130.4

Half bun Jr bacon cheeseburger 350
Small fry at Culvers 360
(710)

Cajun chicken 100
Southwest corn (comes in seasoned frozen packages, tastes like tacos. Is delish) 180
(990)

Protein shake 190
(1180)

Chow mein veggies 150
PB & strawberry on Ezekiel bread (low glycemic I., mass from sprouted grains) 390
(1720)

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes (final)

ONE-THIRTY EVEN.

I CAN TASTE THE 120S.

Vanilla cone 170
McDouble 390
Mozzarella 80
(640)
Never had the mozzarella. Busy work night. Final total 560, oy.

Aw, Come On!

132.4 after a nice deficit day. Dontobsessoverit, dontobsessoverit.

Banana Chobani 140, 3, 18, 0, 11
Vanilla protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10

Later: After a bathroom visit 130.8 WOO.

American cheese 120, 9, 4, 0, 2
On cauliflower & broccoli 120, 0, 7, 7, 4
(570 cals, 17 fat, 54 net carbs, 12 fiber, 27 protein)

Southwest corn 180, 4, 30, 2, 4
Beef & cheddar sandwich 430, 24, 23, 3, 32
(1180 cals, 45 fat, 108 net carbs, 17 fiber, 63 protein)

Out with the old, in with the June

130 pounds, 94 lb lean body mass, 27% body fat

Ick.

Well, the weight is ok, but my lean body mass has continued to diminish ever-so-slightly. NOT OK! I miss being strong.

Goals for No Excuses June:

Weight goal: 126, since it would be a new Low Number first-of-the-month weight.

Fitness goal: Walk or run 20 miles. This is VERY realistic, since I am already doing a brisk 4 miles in one stretch with no problem. I'm not making it higher because I haven't been training at all this year, and moderate exercise is an improvement over none!

I want to set the bar higher than what I've been doing, but not so high that I'll get discouraged about succeeding.

Start strength training again. At least start. That is all.

Diet goal: Find a balance among carb counting, calorie counting, and eating what feels good. My body is clearly telling me, with 3 weeks at the same weight, that carb counting along will not do it for weight loss anymore. I still think it's great for regulating appetite and controlling my reactive hypoglycemia, but it can't be the only tool in my kit. I was eating a LOT before I started calorie counting, because of the high fat foods. The O in a bowl alone was easily 500-600 calories, and I was eating that with other foods for the main meal. Even with the high intake, I went from 134 to 130 in the first week, and did not gain anything back. That tells me regulating carbs is still good.

I'll stick to my 100 g net carbs daily, but I'll add 10 grams for every mile (ie walked 4 miles one day, get 140 g carbs). I would like to make a calorie goal, but I really hate tracking every calorie I consume. I'll make a soft goal of 1600 plus anything burned in exercise. If I still burn 2,000 a day, that gives me an almost-a-pound deficit weekly.

I'm inclined to plan one free day a week, but I don't think a 4,000 calorie day every week is a good idea. Maybe I'll try to be more intuitive about it and simply allow a free meal once in a while when the time is right, ie when I'm out with Charlie Brown and don't want to be obsessing over my meal quite as much.

Summary Goals:
Lose 4 pounds
Walk 20 miles
Start strength training
100 g net carbs daily + exercise allowance
Free meal now and then without guilt

Day 5 (final)

130.4 urgh stuck

Half bun burger 400, 15, 0
Protein water 30, 1, 5
Peanut butter 180, 6, 2
Cottage cheese 220, 4, 0
Goldfish crackers 100, 14, 0
930, 40, 7
Jalapeno cheese 240, 3, 0
Cocoa almonds 220, 5, 3?
(1390,48, 10)

Omelet leftovers 200, 3, 0
Ham 100, 0, 0
Chips 70, 9, 1
Salsa 50, 10, 2
Protein water 30, 1, 5
(1840, 90, 18 )

Well, my weight loss certainly isn't stalled from eating too little :P

More chips & salsa 90, 14, 2
(1930, 104, 20)

Day 3 (final)

130.2
Mostly bunless burger 400, 10, 0
Protein waters 60 cals, 2 carb, 10 fiber
Naughty me I got Wendy's with coworkers.
Half bun quarter pound cheeseburger 470, 22, 2
Small chili 180, 16, 4
(1110, 50, 16)
Ham, egg, provolone on slice of bread 320, 12, 1
(1430, 62, 17)
Not bad numbers overall but I definitely am having less at the end of the day than I would have if I didn't know I was eating so much. Hmm.

8 Weeks Left: Week 3, Day 1 (final)

130.2
2% milk 26, 0
Cabernet sauvignon 6, 0
Mixed nuts 14, 4
Microwave dinner (chipotle beef and sweet potatoes) 30, 2
Protein water 1, 5
(77, 11)
Nuts 14, 4
(91, 15)
Pb/honey/whipped cream on 1 slice bread 26, 3
(117, 18)
A little high, but I was trying to handle cravings with what little food I have left in the house... Grocery shopping tomorrow.

Cinnabon (Free Day 2, final)

Tempest: I can't decide if I want back on the low carb wagon or if I want a Cinnabon. It's either or.

Mom: I don't even know if you can get a Cinnabon around here.

Tempest: :::whips out Google on phone::: It'll only take a second to make my decision.

2 miles away. Woot.

Actual Cinnabon review found on Google:

I LOVE CINNABONS!

I could sit there all day and eat them. I'm wondering now how many I could eat before I'd puke...maybe a dozen? More? Why aren't Cinnabons ever in these eating contests?

Oh, get an EXTRA frosting! Smother that bun!

One cinnabon, one pecanbon, two extra icing cups.

2,340 calories, 314 grams carbohydrate

Back home now, back on the wagon. 130.6 post-road-trip weight.

Oops, I Did It Again: Day 2

130.4

Finally, a bearable number. Have I got it out of my system now?

Protein water 1, 5
Mostly bunless burgers 24
Jalapeno cheese 4
Milk in coffee 12
(41, 5)
Protein water 1, 5
Tuna salad with Triscuit crackers (Sammy's post made me want tuna) 17, 3
(59, 13)

After the play

First weight, Monday, 130.2. Could be worse considering all the bingeing.

Five days of post-rehearsal binges

130.4

Spin

starve binge Diet Coke sick fast for social dinner try to eat can't eat more Diet Coke sicker why do I do this pain

130.0

Dehydrated? Maybe. But I'll make it stick.

130.0

Down to 95 pounds lean body mass.

I find myself going "what the heck" intending to eat too much but at the end of a small plate I am uncomfortably full.

Two squares of brownie and a medium-sized cookie with a glass of milk. That was my "binge" last night. A store tray of iced brownies is 8 squares... I used to smash in 6 without batting an eye.

K invited me to safe-food-Chinese-buffet tonight. I had decided I wasn't going to eat at all (FECKING 130.0!) but we hardly do anything social anymore so I said ok.

I felt ill after one plate, not even a very full one. I stuffed in a second one because I hate to not get my money's worth at a buffet, and there were a lot of nice things there to eat.

130.0

I am not doing particularly well (see main blog) and it has been murder on my stomach. I feel like there's a giant rock in there. All the time. I'm even having trouble burping, so my 3-4 liter a day Diet Coke habit is creating a lot of pain. In the process of switching over to unsweetened iced tea, which is not as bad for you anyway.

Feck. 130. I could see the 120s in a matter of days.

Sixty

I hit 130.8 today.