21 (final)

127.0

Breakfast, lunch: Diet Coke
Jack in the box dinner:
Meat lover's breakfast burrito 750 (790 but I left some behind)
2 hash browns 380
Ketchup 50 (1020)
Chocolate cake 300 (1480)

20 (final)

127.2

Flourless Peanut Butter Mug Cake

Well, at least it's not any worse.

Plus I tend to weigh more after shifts like yesterday where I rarely get a chance to sit down in all my 12 hours of work. My legs feel like lead, and I think they are honest-to-God swelling and it takes a day to go back down. Because apparently I am an old lady.

Plus the cran-raisin bran did its job in the bathroom today, WOOT WOOT.

Breakfast: Diet Coke.
Lunch: Flourless peanut butter mug cake experiment 450
It would have been about 320, but I iced it with peanut butter because it didn't taste very peanut buttery. It had a lovely doughy texture, though. I think I'll try it again sometime but with vanilla and cinnamon added.

Afternoon snack: Diet Coke
Dinner: Steak & potato soup 220 (670)
Evening snack: Beef & bean chimichanga 300 (970)

I have had 3 liters of Diet Coke today. I am buzzy in a rather uncomfortable way.

Bedtime snack: Jalapeno mozzarella, cheddar, smoked ham 290 (1260)

19 (final)

127.2

What the hell.

Maybe sodium from the pickle?

I never used to have wild weight changes like this.

Maybe PCOS and fluid retention issues?

Maybe my eating is that unstable.

Protein shake 190
Leftover road trip snacks 250
Sweet Tarts 50
4 cheese Whopper 850 (I knew it was bad, but I didn't know it was THAT bad)
"small" fries 340
2 Reese's peanut butter cup pie slices 620

 Ugh I'll check calories tomorrow. I don't want to know.

I'll probably have a bowl of cran-raisin bran before I turn in. At least get some fiber into me.

Cranberry-raisin bran 500

Total 2800

18 (7 days til birthday) (final)

127.2

What the that's not funny.

Singular concrete goal: track intake from now til birthday.

Actual unspoken goal: 121.4 for birthday (5.8 pounds in 7 days?! Not gonna happen)

Some days when I'm bloated, my hands are stiff and bloated, too. It's an icky feeling.

Also, I am sick. I have been feeling half-sicky all week, and it finally turned into a properly runny/stuffy nose yesterday. It is not quite as bad today.

I have not gone for proper outdoor walks as a result, and because while the temperature is mild, it is extremely windy, and it feels horrible to be outside. I turn into a popsicle.

Breakfast: Diet Coke with Diet Cherry 7UP (because Diet Cherry Coke premade is gross)
Lunch: Cranberry-Raisin Bran 250
Afternoon snack: Diet Coke
Dinner: Cheesy beef & potato soup 400 (650)
Snack: Strawberry shredded wheat cereal 250 (900)

I feel as though I have had more than that. I HAAATE that nagging feeling that I ate something and forgot to put it on my intake, but I know today it's not really the case.

It is 6 pm and I have popped a few Benadryl to help dry out my nose and ease me to sleep. I am back at the hospital for the first time in a week tomorrow and I'll need to be up early. I had computerized mandatory education, and my boss let me sign up for one fewer shift than usual this week so they wouldn't be overtime. I thought I'd use the stretch to rest up and get ahead on things; instead I have turned into a puddle. I wish I hadn't had the Drama Club drama kicking off my week "off" and knocking me off kilter, but it is what it is. Move forward.

Late night update:
It is after midnight, I work tomorrow, and I am restless and intensely hungry. I've probably downed 32 oz of Diet Coke/Diet Cherry 7UP in the last 2 hours trying to distract, and it's not working.

I'm having:
Tomato basil mozzarella stick 70
Cheddar stick 110
Pickle 10 (1090)

6, 7

131.8

127.8

Can you tell I ate an entire pizza on the 5th? Apparently pizza = 3-4 lb food baby.

I'm so lost.

30

127.4

It's definitely fluid shift, because my eating is still out of control.

It's after midnight now, so technically the 31st... 24 hours to determine my first weigh-in of 2015. I don't know if I have any effort in me. I keep vacillating between "to hell with it" and "I'm just not going to eat," and "to hell with it" keeps winning by default because it's what's coming naturally right now.

I want out of this body.

3

I woke up feeling icky and puffy and my waist is still 28". It is amazing to me.

127.0

30 minute puppy walk

Triscuits 240

Jalapeño mozzarella 160 (400)

3 slices meat lovers pizza from Papa John's. It was a personal size pizza from campus that I don't think is even on the regular menu, but I can't even get nutrition info for a regular sized slice because their website doesn't work properly on mobile grrr.

Sesame chicken stir fry 280

Peanut butter M&Ms 220 - I weighed a serving and did the math and they are 10 calorie each that will make checking serving size easy in the future :)

A Pizza Hut personal meat lovers pizza is 850 calories. Hmm. I suppose they're similar sizes but that feels low to me. I ate 3/4 of the pizza so I'll call it 700.

(1600)

60 min puppy walk

I bring in April

at 127. Not what I'd hoped, but maintaining is good.

Maintaining is good.

Maintaining is good.

Maintaining is good.

My job and my show are more important than my weight this month.

186 vs 127

In inches.

Neck 14.5, 12.75
Chest (under arms) 38.5, 32.25
Bust 41, 33.5
Ribcage 36.75, 30
Waist 37, 28.5
Belly (fullest part of pooch) 44.5, 33
Pantswaist 42.5, 33.5
Hips 46.25, 37
Under hips 45, 36
Thigh at hip 28.75, 21.75
Thigh at fullest (that inner upper thigh bump) 27, 23
Mid-thigh (at dip) 22, 18
Knee (fullest) 17.5, 14
Under knee 15.75, 13
Calf 16, 14.25
Ankle 8.75, 7.5
Arm (at base) 15.5, 11.5
Bicep 13.5, 10.75
Arm above elbow 11.25, 8.75
Forearm 11, 9
Wrist 6 1/8, 5 2/8
Base of index finger 6.8 cm, 6 cm.

Yes, I am sick in the head. I know. But another half inch and I will have lost an entire foot from the biggest part of my belly. That is astonishing to me.

Kitty, I know that it is very unlikely I will get below 121 in a healthy manner. My primary thought through most of the weight loss has been "Whatever you do, don't gain it back. No. Matter. What." Part of me would like to make not-gaining my focus. Part of me wants to see how low I can go. I have been dealing with disordered eating in some form or another for 17 years, but my excuse for not addressing it for the last 10 has been that I didn't want to get help until I had lost the weight, in case "recovery" would slow it down. Now, as a person who is objectively no longer enormous, that excuse has expired but I don't know what to do instead. I am utterly lost.

In And Out

Bedtime weight was 130.0... Morning weight after puking my guts out involuntarily, 127.4.

On the eve of my dreams it suddenly seems empty

The past two days I have eaten plenty (comparatively) and drunk a lot, mostly tea and water. Yesterday's evening weight 128.8, Today's morning weight 127.2.

I think I have settled at 127 for now. We've just had our last rehearsal before spring break. Part of me wants to see if I can lose a noticeable amount of weight before my next rehearsal in a week and a half. The other part of me wants to stop stripping and weighing every effing time I'm in the bathroom.

Hunger

Morning 127.2

"If I don't eat tonight at work I could probably take off another half-" no No NO.

I have often said I don't really feel like I'm steering this ship. But I'm at least trying to keep it off the rocks.

Sunrise, Sunset

Morning: 127.4
Bedtime: 128.2

Cottage cheese with chow mein noodles remains my go-to safe meal. Peanut butter is still on the list but I don't need that many calories right now.

I ate a whole box of Tagalongs yesterday. Peanut butter on cookies, dipped in chocolate. Mmm.

Today has been a handful of peanut butter chocolate "sweet & salty" nut mix, 3 mushroom & swiss single cheeseburgers smooshed into one bun, and cottage cheese with noodles.

Once again, Tempest's highly balanced food pyramid brought to you by EDNOS.

Tonight was rehearsal, which started what will be a week solid of either rehearsal or work every night. I think it will be a good thing. That it will keep me busy and get me out of my head more.

Officially Official

I drank myself silly: 2 L Diet Coke (murder on my stomach. Why, tummy, why?), 1 L iced tea, 1/2 L water between 10 am and 5 pm. I needed a weight that couldn't possibly be dehydration.

My sleep is a hot mess. I can't seem to sleep more than 4 hours at a time. But at some point I fell asleep and I slept for a while. Wake-up weight: 127 exactly. I am pleased.

But I need to stop weighing every time I blink.

March

After set-build day 127.6.

Slept for a few hours, recheck 126.2, woke up very, very thirsty.

I'll go with 127 for the official March weight.

I ate a proper breakfast before set building because set construction is very physical. I grazed a bit at lunchtime, then went home and fell asleep in the evening.

I had a big bowl of cottage cheese with chow mein noodles when I got up. I MUST fuel better or I will crash soon trying to keep this up. The way to maintain, for me, is always, always to get smart and eat more before my body decides it's starving and sends me on a binge rampage.

Year In Review:
January 1: 134
February 1: 132
March 1: 127

The weird thing is, I'm not really sure when I started losing real weight again. At the new year, I wasn't completely confident that the 134 was real loss. At this point I'm sure my real weight (not just "I'm dehydrated and my belly has been empty for 2 days" weight) is not more than 130.

I'm noticing subtle changes in my body. I feel my ribs more easily. You can see my xiphoid process (the top of your breastbone that sticks down a little below your ribcage) when I stretch my arms over my head. My tummy fluff is the slightest bit less fluffy, which unfortunately makes the loose skin more baggy.

My collarbones are more prominent than they have ever been, I think. I wonder if it's related to the loose skin somehow?? I was doing my hair in the 3-way mirror a few days ago and saw that if you are looking over my shoulder from behind my collarbone makes a visible arc sticking out from the line between my neck and shoulder. It is a strange sight.

Oh, these little earthquakes. Here we go again.

Slept better, still night sweats. Morning 127.6.
What the what?
1/2 fancy pants McChicken
1/2 cup fresh veggies
1 paper plate of retirement party goodies (2 mini muffins, 2 fruit tarts, a big wad of buffalo chicken dip with half a dozen crackers)
2 liters iced tea
1 liter diet cranberry soda
1/2-1 liter water
Bedtime weight: 128