8/4/14 - 140.0 - Day 1

I had the leftovers of yesterday's Papa John's excursion for "breakfast."

Chocolate chip cookies 600
Milk 240
Fiber Choice 30 (notice how even with my "yeah, fiber ftw!" stuff yesterday I didn't have anything high fiber? Idiot...)

I don't know what I want for the rest of the day except to have some of my fresh veggies and to get to bed early. I'm back down to 50 pounds lost, ffs. This has to stop.

I work the next 3 days and catsit for WS for 4. I've asked her to have fresh meat & cheese on hand, and she always stocks up on Diet Coke when I'm going to be over. Maybe the change of environment and busy days will help shake me out of this nonstop binge loop.

Waist 32.5"
Hips 39.5"
So yes, most of this weight gain is real...

I wasn't thinking about it being K's birthday, so there was a birthday dinner.
Reuben sandwich
Rhubarb pie
Chocolate cake cheesecake

Imagine each of those being enough to fill a grown man :P

November

Today's weight: 140. Rage baby in process of aboriting (having a sort-of-period).

Year in review:

January 1: 157

February 1: 153

March 1: 145

April 1: 139

May 1: 137

June 1: 137

July 1: 138

August 1: 138

September 1: 136

October 1: 138

November 1: 140

December goal: 130

NY Goal: 127 (30 pounds lost in 2013)

I am starting low refined carbohydrate today. No hard and fast rules at this point. Eat enough to stay on my feet for work. Minimize carbs. Will probably aim for 100 grams per day, not counting foods that are already very low carb, i.e. most veggies and nuts. No calorie goal, because I'm usually too lazy to count calories anyway. Will try to increase intake of healthy/antiinflammatory fats like walnuts, coconut, avocado.

I want to get back into strength training for muscle retention AND so I'm strong enough to care for my enormous baby nephew when I see him again! 16 plus pounds, good golly.

I miss running terribly, but I may need to take a month or two without doing high-impact exercise to get this inflammation (which is MUCH better since camping, strangely) under control.

NONONONONO

140.0

The day AFTER I cleared out my system with a stimulant laxative. They're bad, I know, but the PCOS med is causing unbearable constipation.

If I bloat up like a balloon once I start the birth control, I'm going to lose my mind.

Crimson Tide

Day one of period: 140 pounds, 98 pounds lean body mass. I bottomed out at 97 pounds lean, and am now getting 98-99 depending on what my total weight on the scale is.

The days when my hands were swelling and I gained 6 pounds were mostly July 1-2... aka 2 weeks ago.. aka ov time.. I am SO sick of my body.

I have been bingeing/overeating/eating junk on far too regular a basis, but I've been consistently physically active since (I checked the date I hauled my bike out of storage and rode for the first time) May 27th. I'm very pleased at the progress I've made in stamina, and THRILLED that I can run as well as I can right now.

I'm transitioning from a "move when I feel like it because it feels good" to "let's add a little structure because I'm training for a race." I want to stay in this headspace where being active is mostly about feeling good (or not feeling as bad) and being strong, and keep it from being a must-do or a purge or overtraining to the point of injury.

Exercise

140.4. Ovulation? Exercise? Deranged mini-binges? I don't know which.

I'm bracing myself in case it's the exercise. Exercise is good. Muscle is good. I need more muscle. I shan't scare it off by stopping the exercise or not eating enough to sustain it.

Out like a lamb

140.0. But I am hopefully entering the bi-monthly part of the cycle where I flush out a bunch of water. We'll see tomorrow.

Impatience

140.0 today.
I am just DYING to see
<139 (9-year low)
and <137 (normal BMI).

But I'm trying to reign in the beast. I was intensely hungry yesterday. I saw a Tumblr pic of pumpkin pie that nearly led to an all-out binge. Somehow pumpkin pie feels less unsafe as a binge food than other carbs, I dunno. So I fed myself major quantities of meat & some veggies, not once but three times yesterday. I went to the grocery store and got a few "safe" things with more variety than my current staple meal of creamy cottage cheese with crunchy Asian noodles.

Mom & I were talking about weight & food a few days ago... She said that even though I've told her I'm mostly losing weight because of stress (partly true but I'm not giving her the rest of the story), she gets the impression I've turned a corner and I'm not going to just rebound and gain it back.

She's definitely right. I do feel like I've broken the emotional mega-binge part of my eating disorder that led me to 190 pounds. While I'm definitely losing my marbles a little bit, I'm also trying to take active steps to make sure that I don't push myself into rebound malnutrition-binge mode either.

Basically, I'm trying to keep the tiger on a leash. I'm doing ok for the moment, trying to stifle the little voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm playing a dangerous game.