Records

138.4

Nine-year low.

53 pounds total lost.

18 pounds in 3 months?! That's another lifetime record. I never lose weight this fast. I was losing a pound a week at most during the times I was losing last year. My big losses typically come in spurts of a week or two, and almost always with a rebound.

I wish I knew what was different, but I don't. Someone said to me recently that she wanted to be rid of her eating disorder, that there was nothing remotely alluring about it. The trouble is, when I'm losing weight... that's alluring. Despite the stress over what I can eat and when, over really allowing myself a "free" meal now and then (like I'm about to head off for at WS's, including a dessert that will contain chocolate), over the fact that I've just hit this magical number and I may lose it tomorrow because of one meal - which distressed me despite the reality that I know for an absolute fact I will not gain real weight from one meal. Despite all that, when I step on the scale and it still doesn't start with 15- or 17- or 19-, when my jeans that have been waiting for me to fit into them for years are too loose, when I am reminded, once again, to enormous satisfaction, that I can cross my legs again, it feels worth it.