Catching my breath, letting it go

Trying to kill the binge monster when I'm halfway down it's throat. Got the crazy shifty-limb FOOD NOW after I'd already decided I could have a Proper-Sized Meal for dinner (need to think about writing my research paper, not the state of my stomach). Next thing I know I have a bag of chips, a tray of cupcakes, and a meal from Chick Fil A in front of me.

I managed to stuff down a fiber supplement, chug an enormous Diet Coke, and get the chicken in first (if I'm going to binge I can at least TRY to cushion the carbs). My saving grace was that the fries were gross and cold. I had one cupcake, then had to stop because all that Coke and other sloshy things are taking up my breathing space.

But who needs to breathe when you could be eating? Ha. So I'm sitting here blogging trying to keep the remaining cupcakes under their lid.

Deep breaths.

Deep slow breaths.

Another Landmark: Normal

136.4 two days in a row. Ate lots of mini meals yesterday, have been drinking like a fish. I think it's real.

BMI 24.9

Holding onto

137.0

Seems like when I try to give myself permission to have a full meal, I end up restricting to make up for it anyway. I'm tired of this. 8-lane roundabout, no exits.

Confused

137.4 two days in a row. Huh? Seriously? I was at a buffet yesterday. Dehydration?

I've been doing fairly well at consistent small meals to keep my blood sugar stable, but I didn't have much yesterday because I was wound up about going down to the city to talk with State U people about registration and financial aid. I decided to drag K out to Safe Buffet so I'd have a big meal, but then I didn't eat anything for the rest of the night.

Today I'm giving myself permission to eat whatever/however it takes to get me through a job interview this afternoon. So far all I've been able to get down is protein shake :P

139.2, second day of period (<-explains some of the flushy hotness. This is the first time I've had imaginary hot lamps on me all night, 2 nights before period AND last night. It's only been around ovulation before. Seriously, menopause symptoms at 28? Not funny). Eating every 2-3 hours to keep blood sugar from crashing. My baggies of apples+string cheese and walnuts+M&Ms are holding me over well. I guess it's a little better than only cottage cheese & chow mein noodles (mmm, I know what I need to eat next)? I bought a bag of avocados and am determined not forget and let them rot, so it's been salad with a whole avocado the last 3 nights. Avocado = bliss. And apparently about 3 grams of carbohydrate per ounce, so it's also "safe."

I feel frustrated that I haven't lost weight at all this month, I need to remember that Not Gaining = Progress.

Maintaining is good, because maintaining is better than gaining.

Really, isn't maintaining the most difficult skill of all? Almost anyone can crash diet to a goal weight, but it's what you do when you stop the "diet" that dictates how things play out.

Eat ALL THE THINGS part 2

I left Easter's leftover brownie pie slice on the counter to thaw... and forgot it overnight.

So I had it for breakfast. Among other things. And their cousins.

Then I spend the entire. fucking. afternoon. trying to get out of a blood sugar plunge.

I've been getting flushed/hot sometimes lately and have wondered if it's my blood sugar getting high. BUT... I also know I freak out/worry, so if my blood sugar is high, the last thing I need to do is get all worked up and have my mood make it more unstable.

I went to the drugstore and got an A1C test, which checks average blood sugar over the last 3 months or so (it doesn't tell you how high/low/stable it gets, just an overall average). I tested mine 2 summers ago and got 5.0, and last summer and got 5.3. I got 5.3 again. It isn't perfect (it is far below diabetic target levels, but the goal here is to never become diabetic!) but it isn't worse than a year ago, which I'm pretty happy with.

My only goal right now HAS to be stopping the up-down blood sugar fuckery. I've baggied up 1-ounce nut portions with a few M&Ms as well as sliced up some fresh apples to have by the 1/4 with mozzarella. I'll think of other high protein/low carb snacks tomorrow, but it's good to have something ready to grab. Based on today, my 200/20/2 has too many carbs. I'm going to start at 10-15 per mini-meal rather than 20.

Commence frequent nomming.

Eat ALL THE THINGS

I'm too tired to go fishing for Mich's illustration, but that was my day. Was 140.0 before the madness.

New goals:

1. Get MOVING. I am so physically restless, I suppose from all the stress, and several hours of apartment cleaning and rearrangement did not help (just kept me from taking my history exam online). Exercise will also help keep my blood sugar stable and help reduce stress about #2.

2. Try a 200/20/2 plan for a few days to see if it helps with the binge crazies. Basically, I can have about 200 calories, including up to 20 grams of carbohydrate, every 2 hours. If the bingeys are from legit nutritional shortcomings, I need to eat a wider variety of foods. Limiting the carbs and eating frequently will help keep my blood sugar stable, and eating every 2 hours will help regulate appetite and keep me from eating huge amounts all at once. I may not even count calories. I haven't counted calories for a good long while, and would prefer to stay OUT of that mess if at all possible. We'll see.

Premature Creole Food Baby

140.2 during my insomnia last night, 139.2 today.

I didn't special order (forgot, actually) but ate the stew off the top of the rice. I did eat most of the bread, it would have been criminal not to. K DID stare at my plate incredulously and say "Are you feeling ok?!" because I'm usually licking crumbs off the floor at this place, lol. I gave the blood sugar line.

But it was WS's first time there and she wanted to try the peanut butter pie. I would've caved and gotten a slice, but they ran out while we were eating (sniffle/whew).

Over the hump?

142.6 yesterday (I did obscene things with Boston Market the day before), 141.4 today. Intend to continue the downward trend.

Freaking ladyparts, obscuring whether it's real weight or cycle weight. How much weight will I lose with a hysterectomy?

I have a dinner date with WS and K tonight. It's going to be weird ordering the stew-over-rice New Orleans style meal as stew-over-nothing, but I'm going to do it. I may eat the bread though, K will ask what the hell is wrong if I don't eat the bread (half the time I get extra bread because it is so freaking good). Maybe I'll eat half and shove the rest at him and say I'm not hungry :P

Aw heck, I'm overthinking it. All I have to do is say "my blood sugar is playing tricks on me" and they will think "Poor Tempest, she can't eat the bread and rice," not "Tempest is being weird and not eating."

Bungee

141.0 today, shockingly. More and more food. I don't think I can do this a third day.

**Addendum**

I was just looking at the tags on my posts and it occurred to me that I'm getting worked up about being two and a half freaking pounds up from nine days ago. How pathetic that my life boils down to this.

Any day now

139.6-140.8 last few days.

Today I decided I could eat more until my period starts (estimated arrival tomorrow, though goodness knows it doesn't like to work on my schedule). I know I'll regret it when tonight's dinner shows up on the scale tomorrow. So I gave myself permission not to weigh tomorrow, which, of course, I will have to do anyway.

Steady as she goes

139.0. I think I'm starting the pre-period bloat. Things are crazy. I'm trying to eat more. Figured I'd hook myself into a meal with somebody and called K up for dinner at an enormous Chinese-American buffet that has a lot of "safe" foods (meat = safe). I ate less than a plate's worth and had to sit and yap for an hour before I could get down a half plate of seconds.

138.4

I ate as much as I cold hold at lunch. And that's all I ate. Didn't plan it that way, it just happened. WS sent me home with leftovers, as she does at every holiday meal. I don't know if I can eat them. There's an egg casserole which SHIT I was thinking was ok but it's got hash browns in it, fruit salad which is delicious and nutritious but loaded with sugar and I've had issues on & off with fruit since the very beginning. Coffee cake with pecans & craisins and brownie cream cheese pie.

I don't usually have a big problem with throwing out food now & then, but it feels like throwing out her hospitality. Even if I stick it in the freezer, though, it's inviting a binge later. And I don't want the ugly *taste, but don't swallow* thing that's happened several times in the last few weeks to become a pattern again.

Compromise: I need to fuel for work, and the egg casserole has lots of protein and not all that much potato. I'll eat it before my shift tonight.

The other stuff will probably rot in the back of the fridge because I'll put off making a decision until I forget about it altogether...