On Plateaus, Health, Strength, and Disorder

My body is violently opposed to dropping below about 125.  I'll get there for a few days, was even 122-123 for several weeks back in November, but it caught up with me. Hunger. Bone-deep, gnawing, consuming hunger.

I CANNOT keep restricting calories (sometimes in a disordery way, sometimes in a diety way) because it has simply stopped working.

If I'm going to take a vague step toward health, I need to make fitness my next priority. I have no muscle left, no strength, no endurance. This fact brings me no joy. It diminishes the accomplishment of having kept off 60 pounds for quite some time. For what? Even at 180, there was power in my legs. Now my only claim to progress is that I keep diminishing.

It would be easier if I didn't feel like I'm drowning. If it weren't frigid, below-freezing temps all the time. If. If only.

I have to find a way to move forward, even though I'm not sure which way forward is.

Thank you for the lovely birthday wishes.

28

126.4

Thirty

126.4

I turned 30 at 5 pounds from goal.

I have made peace with that.

Not forever, but for today.

I tried on my size 8 jeans from when I was 18 - my bulimic summer. They fit. At my lowest weight that summer, they were just loose enough to be considered too big. My low weight that summer was 118.5. I am almost there.

Almost.

23 (final)

125.6

Breakfast: Diet Coke
Second breakfast (because I am a hobbit): Sausage McMuffin 370
Lunch: Granola cereal 350 (720)

Update: I went back to sleep for a few hours after the Diet Coke & muffin, and weighed again at 124.4.

YAY for kidneys! I think it's from getting rid of the swollen legs from yesterday's work.

Afternoon: McChicken (half bun) 400
Dinner: Southwest chicken, bean, & noodle soup 200 (1320)
Beef & bean chimichanga 300 (1620)

22 (final)

125.0

Protein shakes 380
Chocolate cookie 250 (630)
Jack in the box bacon cheeseburger 660 (1290)
Small fries 300 (1590)

21 (final)

127.0

Breakfast, lunch: Diet Coke
Jack in the box dinner:
Meat lover's breakfast burrito 750 (790 but I left some behind)
2 hash browns 380
Ketchup 50 (1020)
Chocolate cake 300 (1480)

20 (final)

127.2

Flourless Peanut Butter Mug Cake

Well, at least it's not any worse.

Plus I tend to weigh more after shifts like yesterday where I rarely get a chance to sit down in all my 12 hours of work. My legs feel like lead, and I think they are honest-to-God swelling and it takes a day to go back down. Because apparently I am an old lady.

Plus the cran-raisin bran did its job in the bathroom today, WOOT WOOT.

Breakfast: Diet Coke.
Lunch: Flourless peanut butter mug cake experiment 450
It would have been about 320, but I iced it with peanut butter because it didn't taste very peanut buttery. It had a lovely doughy texture, though. I think I'll try it again sometime but with vanilla and cinnamon added.

Afternoon snack: Diet Coke
Dinner: Steak & potato soup 220 (670)
Evening snack: Beef & bean chimichanga 300 (970)

I have had 3 liters of Diet Coke today. I am buzzy in a rather uncomfortable way.

Bedtime snack: Jalapeno mozzarella, cheddar, smoked ham 290 (1260)

19 (final)

127.2

What the hell.

Maybe sodium from the pickle?

I never used to have wild weight changes like this.

Maybe PCOS and fluid retention issues?

Maybe my eating is that unstable.

Protein shake 190
Leftover road trip snacks 250
Sweet Tarts 50
4 cheese Whopper 850 (I knew it was bad, but I didn't know it was THAT bad)
"small" fries 340
2 Reese's peanut butter cup pie slices 620

 Ugh I'll check calories tomorrow. I don't want to know.

I'll probably have a bowl of cran-raisin bran before I turn in. At least get some fiber into me.

Cranberry-raisin bran 500

Total 2800

18 (7 days til birthday) (final)

127.2

What the that's not funny.

Singular concrete goal: track intake from now til birthday.

Actual unspoken goal: 121.4 for birthday (5.8 pounds in 7 days?! Not gonna happen)

Some days when I'm bloated, my hands are stiff and bloated, too. It's an icky feeling.

Also, I am sick. I have been feeling half-sicky all week, and it finally turned into a properly runny/stuffy nose yesterday. It is not quite as bad today.

I have not gone for proper outdoor walks as a result, and because while the temperature is mild, it is extremely windy, and it feels horrible to be outside. I turn into a popsicle.

Breakfast: Diet Coke with Diet Cherry 7UP (because Diet Cherry Coke premade is gross)
Lunch: Cranberry-Raisin Bran 250
Afternoon snack: Diet Coke
Dinner: Cheesy beef & potato soup 400 (650)
Snack: Strawberry shredded wheat cereal 250 (900)

I feel as though I have had more than that. I HAAATE that nagging feeling that I ate something and forgot to put it on my intake, but I know today it's not really the case.

It is 6 pm and I have popped a few Benadryl to help dry out my nose and ease me to sleep. I am back at the hospital for the first time in a week tomorrow and I'll need to be up early. I had computerized mandatory education, and my boss let me sign up for one fewer shift than usual this week so they wouldn't be overtime. I thought I'd use the stretch to rest up and get ahead on things; instead I have turned into a puddle. I wish I hadn't had the Drama Club drama kicking off my week "off" and knocking me off kilter, but it is what it is. Move forward.

Late night update:
It is after midnight, I work tomorrow, and I am restless and intensely hungry. I've probably downed 32 oz of Diet Coke/Diet Cherry 7UP in the last 2 hours trying to distract, and it's not working.

I'm having:
Tomato basil mozzarella stick 70
Cheddar stick 110
Pickle 10 (1090)

17

124.2

I was thirsty all day yesterday, and I woke up with puffy hands. Then I ate way too much today.

Today was my off day.

Tomorrow I need to get back on it.  I don't want to keep restricting severely, but I am so close to goal I can taste it, and I turn 30 in one week. GW for my 30th birthday would be kind of a nice present to myself.

Back on the wagon tomorrow.

16 and PSA

122.6

My BMI is 22.4, which feels strange. I haven't checked my BMI in a while, and in my mind the number is still higher. 118 would be 21.6, and lower than my lowest weight since BEFORE I was 18. 115 would be 21.0...

Thank you, Sammy, I love it

If your username or icon is fat-shaming or pro-ana in any way, do not comment on my blog. Do not comment on my blog. Do. Not. Comment. Stay away from me. Your attitude is destructive, and it is triggering for me. Do not praise my weight loss if you do not understand that while I'm glad I've lost weight, I am also in a living hell. I am not healthy. Losing weight is not virtue or self-control, it merely the state of diminishing the mass of my body.

To my friends here who have been part of this over the last several years, this is not about you. I care about you and you mean a lot to me. I know that when you congratulate me on my weight loss, it is not in the absence of knowledge of the rest of the struggle. I love you guys and I'm so glad to have people in my corner who experience the same things.

15

122.4

Down from 127.8 on the 11th

14

122.2

12, 13

125.0

123.8

Drama Club drama is good for weight loss : /

8, 9

No weights because I am in Tornado Alley. Mrs. Bro went into labor yesterday and I made a speedy road trip :D

6, 7

131.8

127.8

Can you tell I ate an entire pizza on the 5th? Apparently pizza = 3-4 lb food baby.

I'm so lost.

5

128.8

3, 4

129.6
130.4

At this point I'm thinking "real" weight is 129-130?

Still eating emotionally, but a bit less bingey. No 4,000 calorie days yet this year, at any rate...

2 (ugh)

128.6

Why couldn't I have had this number yesterday?!

One of the most important parts of the monthly official weight is that I am not allowed to mess around and get a "fake" low weight. For example, restricting for a few days at the end of the month. I don't think I have never let myself go "I don't like that number" and wait a few days to weigh again.

That being said, I do think it's fair to skip an official 1st weight if it's totally out of whack with the other numbers I get. I have never gotten over 130. I don't think I've seen over 129.0 max in the mornings, maybe still the 128s.

I guess I'll see how the next few days go and decide. I want my 2015 weight to be what I actually truly weighed at the beginning of the year, not some massive number because I overate by a few thousand calories. When you take into consideration that I ate an entire pizza for dinner, it's easy to think there would be 3 pounds of tummy rubbish and salt fluid retention.

Eating was slightly less crappy yesterday, mostly because I was at work and there were no goodies for sharing in the break room. I only had one protein shake before I got home, then ate a lot from 8 pm-midnight.

1/1/15

132.0. Fuck.