And then there was the good-bye food for one of our docs...

Omnomnom

I actually like the WW ice cream bar pretty well. It's not very chocolatey, but it is nice and creamy. It's only 100 cals AND it has 5 g fiber, so overall I'm pretty happy with it.

Protein shake
Cold cut sandwich
Small slice Boston creme cake
There will be a giant muffin abomination at some point later tonight, too.

2 Weeks til Chicago, 4 Til Zombie Race

133.2

I can't numb out. If I'm going to keep eating like this, I need to at least find foods with nutrition info so I stay aware of how much I'm putting into my mouth.

Cream cheese & light jelly on Ezekiel bread 280
Protein water 30
Wheat thins 220
Chive & onion cream cheese 120
WW ice cream bar 100
(750)
Big Mac 550
French fries 380
White chicken chili 500
Crackers & cream cheese 300
(2460)

Tomorrow is a new day

But today started with the last of the cupcakes.

Job change binge

2 white cupcakes #lots
4" square iced brownie #lots
16 oz milk 240
Crapload of wheat thins and chive cream cheese #lots
Total #lots

Nom Nom New Job Munchies (final)

Vanilla cone 170
Double cheeseburger, half bun 400
3 Slices Papa Johns pizza
1 garlic sauce
2 crunchy tacos supreme
Weight Watchers ice cream bar 100
Est 2400

Trying to get my footing back (final)

Vanilla cone 170
Turkey, Swiss, cucumber on Ezekiel bread 360
Creme filled donut bits est 500
Milk chocolate butter cookies 390
Bacon Mac & cheese 440
(1860)

More bacon Mac 220
More cookies 390
(2470)

That's the bad news. The good news is that I finally RAN today! 5 minutes straight running on the middle of 1.7 miles total.

Fck (final)

Peanut m&ms
Asian buffet: 2 plates main meal, 1 plate dessert
Jabanero bacon cheeseburger
Fudge sundae
Cheesecake brownie Ben & Jerry's.
Est 4000.

What's in your head, in your head, zombie, zombie zombie (final)

130.4

Half bun Jr bacon cheeseburger 350
Small fry at Culvers 360
(710)

Cajun chicken 100
Southwest corn (comes in seasoned frozen packages, tastes like tacos. Is delish) 180
(990)

Protein shake 190
(1180)

Chow mein veggies 150
PB & strawberry on Ezekiel bread (low glycemic I., mass from sprouted grains) 390
(1720)

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes (final)

ONE-THIRTY EVEN.

I CAN TASTE THE 120S.

Vanilla cone 170
McDouble 390
Mozzarella 80
(640)
Never had the mozzarella. Busy work night. Final total 560, oy.

Just Keep Swimming (final)

Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
Ice cream cone 170
Mozzarella stick 80, 6, 1, 0, 6?
Small homemade cupcake 250?
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
(750, can't total everything unless I feel like guesstimating the cupcake's everything, which I really don't atm)

Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
(940)
Ham & Swiss 260
(1200)
Peanut butter 190
(final 1390)

Aw, Come On!

132.4 after a nice deficit day. Dontobsessoverit, dontobsessoverit.

Banana Chobani 140, 3, 18, 0, 11
Vanilla protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10

Later: After a bathroom visit 130.8 WOO.

American cheese 120, 9, 4, 0, 2
On cauliflower & broccoli 120, 0, 7, 7, 4
(570 cals, 17 fat, 54 net carbs, 12 fiber, 27 protein)

Southwest corn 180, 4, 30, 2, 4
Beef & cheddar sandwich 430, 24, 23, 3, 32
(1180 cals, 45 fat, 108 net carbs, 17 fiber, 63 protein)

Apple bottom jeans and them boots with the furrr (final)

Apple butter isn't really "butter," it's closer to a jelly. It is pureed apple, very sweet, with lots of spices added. Sort of like apple pie concentrate that you spread on toast or biscuits. It is divine. People give each other expensive watches, too? Wow, I can't even imagine.

I woke up with a sloshy, sour stomach after yesterday's indulgences. I guess it shouldn't be surprising. I am stressed out and feeling like a slug. I will wait to weigh until tomorrow so food belly doesn't give me a fake high number. I want to curl up in bed with a book and not move today. I might. I am probably (briefly) meeting up with Hummingbird next week for the first time since I started the email confrontation about initiating "stage combat" without warning me. It's more of a subject for my other blog, but I don't want to make a whole post about it. That is not helping the not-moving or the sloshy-stomach issues.

Creamed spinach 230, 13, 8, 5, 8
Beef pot roast 360, 16, 29, 5, 20
Parmesan cheese 100, 5, 0, 0, 10
(690, 34, 37, 10, 38)

Cream cheese & Nutella sandwich 400, 21, 42, 4, 6
(1090 cals, 55 fat, 79 carbs, 14 fiber, 44 protein)

Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
(1280 cals, 60 fat, 104 net carbs, 19 fiber, 54 protein)

Moderation in Moderation (final)

131.4! Lowest number since I dropped off low carb.

I ate too much today, but it wasn't the desperate miserable kind of overeating. I was trying a new restaurant near work while I waited to meet a coworker friend, and had a fried chicken thigh, fried potatoes, mac & cheese, and a biscuit with butter and apple butter.

Later (it is bedtimeish now) I had a Frisco burger and a brownie sundae. I have not had proper chocolate in ages, and the craving still persists. Hopefully this will satisfy it for a while :)

Back to moderation tomorrow! Goal will be 1600 cals.

Zombie training is being hampered by an icky combination of hear and depression. Hopefully one or the other will give me a break soon.

Moderation FTW! WTF? (final)

I seem to have recently settled into a daily total of what, 1600ish? I like it. I want something more extreme but this is coming fairly easily to me. It should be SUSTAINABLE, which is hard to come by in disordered behaviors. I will try to keep this up.

Today might be a little higher as my sleep was totally hijacked by a morning (aka Sleepytime) phone call that turned out to BE an interview.

Fudge sundae 330
Beef & Swiss sandwich, pb & h sandwich 1100

I am worn out on counting macros. Making a carb limit just doesn't work right now. Not sure if I'll continue tracking everything or not. Maybe not, for now at least.

Protein shake 190
Chobani 100
(1730 cals)

Cottage cheese, chow mein noodles 290
(2020)

4 Weeks Left: Day 2 (final)

132.4

Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 5
Mozzarella 80, 6, 1, 0, 6
Mozzarella 80, 6, 1, 0, 6
Protein waters 60, 0, 2, 10, 10
Wendy's chili 270, 8, 23, 8, 8
Crackers 200, 8, 40, 0, 8
(1070, 38, 117, 18, 48)
2 sausage burritos & hash brown with ketchup (I'll look them up tomorrow. Plus I did some misbehaving so didn't quite eat all of that meal. Will need to guesstimate)

Approx 1500

Only 4 weeks til Chicago! Eep! (final)

One pound a week puts me back in the 120s. I want much lower, but I don't think more is reasonable at this point. Even the 4 will be a challenge. I haven't really lost weight since March, and I was up to my eyes in rehearsal then. Now I'm totally frazzled about work so work days are tough to control my intake, and there is nothing I HAVE to be doing on my days off so I have a lot of time on my hands to get stuck obsessing over food.

Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5

What if... What if I give up the weight loss bullshit and focus on exercise... I might manage to shrink a little through fat loss? I dunno. I'm feeling pretty discouraged atm because I feel like I'm right back where I've been for the better part of a year: stuck in the 130s. I'm also scared that the smallish weight gain I've had is going to turn into more weight gain, and not being able to stop that is a terrifying thought.

McChicken, half bun, plus cheese 350 cals, approx 20 g fat, 26 net carbs, 1 fiber, 16 protein
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Vanilla cone 170, 5, 27, 0, 5
(740, 30, 79, 11, 36)

Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
(770, 30, 80, 16, 41)

Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
Frozen Chobani 150, 3, 19, 0, 11
(950 cals, 33 fat, 100 net carb, 21 fiber, 57 protein)

Turkey cheddar sandwich 310, 11, 27, 3, 30
(1260 cals, 44 fat, 127 net carb, 24 fiber, 87 protein)

Vacillating (final)

133 dry weight. I would blame it on the Mexican dinner sitting inside me but it's already pushed things through to make room for itself.

Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5

My protein water is already hard to find, but the store where I get it has taken the space off the shelf for the strawberry kiwi crack flavor. I am in mourning.

I am going back and forth among wanting to screw it all and binge, wanting to seriously restrict (I was stable at 127 for a while! I have gained 6 pounds! I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS), and wanting to just be a good girl and eat the right things to get my stomach happy again.

If I can get in the pattern of really only eating once a day, it will rest my stomach most of the time AND allow a little wiggle room for times when I want to indulge.

Cottage cheese 220, 10, 8, 0, 26
Chow mein noodles 70, 3, 8, 1, 1
(510, 18, 42, 11, 42)

Peanut m&ms 220, 11, 25, 1, 4
(730, 39, 67, 12, 46)

Breaded fish 720, 42, 51, 9, 24
Ketchup 60, 0, 15, 0
Rosemary veggies 200, 6, 25, 7, 6

(1710 cals, 87 fat, 158 net carbs, 28 fiber, 76 protein)

I'm super super full after the fish & veggies, so hopefully this is final.

But not today! (final)

Mexican dinner celebrating a good job interview. 4 enchiladas (cheese, chicken, beef, bean), queso, salsa, chips. Cals: lots. Fat: lots. I don't care.

Also had a vanilla cone, 1 protein shake, 4 mini York mints, a small bag of peanut butter m&ms, and a cream cheese with grape jelly sandwich. (approx 900 cals)

I weighed this "morning" (did not sleep between work and interview) at 133 after drinking, so I think Im about 132 dry weight. Could be worse, considering all the binges.

Another? (final)

Scale remains buried.
My tummy is still a little off. Things are racing through me. My dinner last night was too much for comfort.

I'm not consuming the 2 shakes/3 waters enough to honestly make it a baseline. It's more work subtracting things I didn't consume each day, so I'll list things one by one again.
I kind of want to let my stomach rest, but of course ginger always gets the best of me.******
So far good though.
Only 2 protein waters and my night is almost half over. 60, 0, 2, 10, 10 

******My autocorrect did a naughty thing. That was supposed to say hunger gets the best of me. Nothing against fingers though ;) Ginger ale is nasty.

But Diet Sprite might be worth a shot. But bubbles are supposed to be had for acid production. (sigh)

I had 3 hospital ice cream cups does together in a bowl to make neopolitan ice cream (strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate). I thought something cool and creamy might be soothing, but I was wrong. I expect to have a protein shake before I head home from work so I'll add it now.
190, 5, 25, 5, 10
SONOFABITCH the ice cream cups have nutrition info on the lid in microscopic print. Yesss.
Strawberry 120, 6, 15, 0, 2
Vanilla 120, 7, 13, 0, 2
Chocolate  140, 7, 17, 0, 3
(650 cals, 25 fat, 72 net carb, 15 fiber, 27 protein)

Let's Try For Another (final)

If you can't tell from the lack of numbers, I have buried my scale again. It is evil.

Baseline 470, 10, 53, 25, 35
American cheese 180, 14, 6, 0, 9
Broccoli & cauliflower 110, 0, 7, 7, 3
Vanilla cone 170, 4, 27, 0, 5
(950 cals, 28 fat, 93 carbs, 32 fiber, 56 protein)

2.5 mile walk (the ice cream was my reward)
Turkey & provolone sandwich 300, 10, 28, 3, 30
Rosemary veggies 200, 6, 25, 7, 6
(1450, 44, 146, 42, 92)
Minus baseline shakes not had
(1230, 39, 120, 32, 77)
raspberry danish 210, 4, 41, 0, 4
Cream cheese & light strawberry jelly sandwich 240, 9, 33, 3, 8
(1680, 52, 194, 35, 89)

I HAD A GOOD DAY! (final)

Yesterday was 1600 calories. It is not 1200, but it sure beats 4-5000!

Today I have a bit of a fever and feel pukey. I kept down a protein water. I will play it by ear for the day.

Baseline 470, 10, 53, 25, 35
Teriyaki chicken. 420, 18, 12, 0, 51
Italian herb veggies 150, 6, 5, 6, 6
(1040 cals, 34 fat, 70 net carb, 31 fiber, 92 protein)
Raspberry danishes 630, 11, 123, 0, 12
(1670, 45, 193, 31, 104)

I have not yet had the second protein shake, and I hope to get to sleep soon. If I succeed, totals will be down to
1480 cals, 40 g fat, 168 carb, 26 fiber, 94 protein

Next day: Woohoo no 2nd shake! Those are my final numbers. Now I've had TWO good days :D

5 Weeks Til Chicago: Day 2, Trying Again...

I'm going to start with a baseline of 2 protein shakes and 3 protein waters, so I'm going to list those all together each day and just add on the real food I consume. My goal is to have one proper meal a day at bedtime so that I can have a full belly to take my meds & vitamins with. It is also very hard for me to sleep if I'm hungry.

Baseline 470 cals, 10 fat, 53 net carb, 25 fiber, 35 protein.

Cottage cheese 220, 9, 10, 0, 24
Jalapeno cheese 160, ?, 2, 0, ?
Breakfast burritos 600, 32, 52, 2, 24
Hash brown 150, 9, 15, 2, 1

1600 cals, 132 net carbs

The Beginning: 5 Weeks Til Chicago

Special K Protein Shake 190 cals, 5 g fat, 25 net carb, 5 fiber, 10 protein
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Special K Protein Water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
Teriyaki chicken (3 servings) 420, 18, 12, 0, 51
Rosemary veggies 200, 6, 25, 7, 6
(1030 cals, 34 fat, 88 net carbs, 22 fiber, 82 protein)
3 miles walked with 2 one-minute running intervals, total 54 minutes

Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
(1060, 34, 89, 27, 87)

And then there was the cake. I didn't throw out the rest of that horrible not-chocolatey chocolate cake, then there I was stuffing the rest of it into my mouth. Definitely binge-level activity going on here.

I need to stop this before the scale really starts heading north :(

The End

I had dinner at a lovely Indian buffet. It kind of broke my heart by not having saag paneer or samosas, but it mostly made up for that by having paneer tikka masala. Tikka masala is my favorite stew type dish. I would have liked chicken in it but this restaurant is vegetarian, and paneer is delish too. They also had crispy battered spinach that was like potato chips made out of spinach. Also an appetizer I didn't get the name of that is a very thin cheesy tasting dough pan fried and folded around a seasoned potato filling. Mmmm.

Then ths bad part of my Last Hurrah: the chocolate. I bought a chocolate cake with chocolate icing and cherries on top. The trouble is the icing is that horrible whipped stuff. It doesn't taste like chocolate, it tastes like creamy air. Y U NO CHOCOLATE, BAKERIES? My recent cupcake binge had a similar problem. Not chocolatey at all. My chocolate cravings have not been satisfied at all, but like a fool I kept eating more cake thinking that if I kept going it might taste better. Or something. Blech. Contemplating going to Steak N Shake drive thru for a 3 am already-sicky-full brownie sundae because tomorrow I'm going hardcore and I don't want unsatisfied cravings lingering in my mind...

The Unimpressive Finale:
Apparently 4 am is "clean the ice cream maker" time for 24 hour fast food restaurants, so my attempt at a cheap hot fudge sundae failed.

Instead I got a sausage egg and cheese biscuit (something else I won't he able to have for a while).then came home and stole a mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich from K.

Approaching The End

Will update on my main blog soon about doc and tummy stuff. Dietary reform is required. But not today lol. Im thinking Sunday. One bad week, three good for June. Plus I'm gearing up for some major diet changes and I need a wee bit of time to steel myself for it (plus shop for groceries).

Today so far coworker donation of freshly made chicken salad on rye, YUM. Peanut butter on a sugar cookie, and a glass of milk.

Catastrophe (Final)

Weighed at the doc, 137 clothed daytime weight. Yikes.

Ice cream cone, McChicken, Japanese hibachi grill (filet mignon, stir fried veggies, fried rice), brownie batter concrete mixer (ice cream dish) from Culver's. Trefoils (shortbread cookies). Cheese, olives.

(lots, crapton, not enough)

Urgh (final)

I'm a nurse, and we occasionally nab things from the patient snacks. Like ice cream cups.

I just got home from my favorite Asian-American buffet. Eat ALL THE THINGS. I didn't do terribly, all things considered. I had two plates of food. I can usually put down three plates when I'm having a free-for-all, but I felt really full today so I stopped.

I hope to get to sleep early, which means also hopefully before I get hungry again. I have Things To Do tomorrow.

One Day More (final)

Am thinking of having "idgaf part 2" today. Am at work so no opportunities for anything particularly heinous.

Protein waters 60, 2, 10
Hospital ice cream (will google approximate nutrition info) 200? 40? 0?
Snickers 250, 32, 1
Ham & cheese on wheat 340, 26, 3
Vanilla milkshake 530, 86, 0
(1380, 186, 14)
Peanut butter 190, 6 , 2
(1570, 192, 16)
Protein water 30, 1, 5
(1600, 193, 21)
Grilled cheese.680, 50, 6
2280, 243, 27

Cupcake ? ? ?

Feck, Day 2 (final)

Do si dos 480, 63, 3
Trefoils 480, 66, 0
Grilled cheese sandwiches  680, 50  6
Milk 240, 26, 0
(1880, 205, 9 - nice breakfast, eh?)

LOL Sammy - my Blogger phone app underlines things randomly and I don't know how to undo it from inside the app. I usually fix it once I am on my computer. The vanilla come was probably my autocorrect. My phone has an attitude, I swear.

I fell asleep around 3 or 4 am, and woke up at 7 am restless and ravenous. I was actually pacing the kitchen while my sandwiches browned in the pan. It was horrible. I didn't get to sleep again until noon, which is when I had hoped to get up for the day. Woke up again at 2:50 from my mom texting "Are you awake?" Well I am now thanks, but she wanted to get me on video chat so Mrs. Bro could tell me "Ummm we might be pregnant again!" She has a positive home test and they are going to the doc on Thursday to be sure.

Since I woke up the second time I have been feeling icky and nauseated and my burps smell creepy like formaldehyde. I finally called my doc and made an appointment (Thursday afternoon) about all the digestive systems I have been having.

At the moment I am fancying not eating again today, but my "gee I'm going to fast/restrict now" fantasies only last until I'm hungry again. I'll try to keep it moderate though, since if I keep it around 2,000 it will just be one binge instead of a whole binge day. I know they say don't restrict to compensate for a binge, but I really have a hard time feeling like I ought to continue eating on purpose. In any case, I am determined to keep counting. I binge to numb myself. I am fighting giving in to that numbness. I want to stay aware of what I am doing to myself.

Large Papa John's thin crust pizza 2000, 176, 8
Cupcakes: No nutrition label. 383747, 493, 1

Pretty ugly totals. I'm sure I hit 5,000 today. But I got job applications out to jobs at 6 different locations in 3 hospital networks. Somebody make me a ribbon :P

June week 1, day 1: 6 weeks til Chicago, 8 til zombie 5k (final)

Protein water 30, 1, 5
Vanilla come 170, 27, 0
Breakfast croissant 450, 30, 2
Hash browns 190, 15, 2
(840, 73, 9)

2.7 mile walk WITH ONE MINUTE RUN! I was feeling frisky.

Turkey, provolone 260, 6, 0
Protein water 10, 1, 5
Triscuits 60, 10, 2
(1190, 90, 16)

Out with the old, in with the June

130 pounds, 94 lb lean body mass, 27% body fat

Ick.

Well, the weight is ok, but my lean body mass has continued to diminish ever-so-slightly. NOT OK! I miss being strong.

Goals for No Excuses June:

Weight goal: 126, since it would be a new Low Number first-of-the-month weight.

Fitness goal: Walk or run 20 miles. This is VERY realistic, since I am already doing a brisk 4 miles in one stretch with no problem. I'm not making it higher because I haven't been training at all this year, and moderate exercise is an improvement over none!

I want to set the bar higher than what I've been doing, but not so high that I'll get discouraged about succeeding.

Start strength training again. At least start. That is all.

Diet goal: Find a balance among carb counting, calorie counting, and eating what feels good. My body is clearly telling me, with 3 weeks at the same weight, that carb counting along will not do it for weight loss anymore. I still think it's great for regulating appetite and controlling my reactive hypoglycemia, but it can't be the only tool in my kit. I was eating a LOT before I started calorie counting, because of the high fat foods. The O in a bowl alone was easily 500-600 calories, and I was eating that with other foods for the main meal. Even with the high intake, I went from 134 to 130 in the first week, and did not gain anything back. That tells me regulating carbs is still good.

I'll stick to my 100 g net carbs daily, but I'll add 10 grams for every mile (ie walked 4 miles one day, get 140 g carbs). I would like to make a calorie goal, but I really hate tracking every calorie I consume. I'll make a soft goal of 1600 plus anything burned in exercise. If I still burn 2,000 a day, that gives me an almost-a-pound deficit weekly.

I'm inclined to plan one free day a week, but I don't think a 4,000 calorie day every week is a good idea. Maybe I'll try to be more intuitive about it and simply allow a free meal once in a while when the time is right, ie when I'm out with Charlie Brown and don't want to be obsessing over my meal quite as much.

Summary Goals:
Lose 4 pounds
Walk 20 miles
Start strength training
100 g net carbs daily + exercise allowance
Free meal now and then without guilt

The Aftermath (final, GOODBYE MAY)

133.0
Cottage cheese 220, 8, 0
Jalapeno cheese 240, 3, 0
I might finish the Tagalongs when I get home so that the box is gone. It would be 2.5 servings so that will be 350, 30, 2, plus a protein water 30, 1, 5
(the plan: TOTAL 815, 42, 7)

**Edit** I forgot about the second two cheese sticks at work, so the cheese only came to 80, 1, 0. I am eating the cookies one itty bitty bite at a time right now as I settle in for bed, to savor the last of them. That's the worst part about binges, is you don't enjoy your food, not really. Not in the same way. I don't feel like having the protein water.

The Final Tally:
650, 39, 2