I may wait a day or two

until claiming an official January weight, even if it means not having on the 1st. It will probably depend if I can stop myself from weighing for a few days, because if I weigh myself it has to count.

I was 136 when I left for family Christmas Up North. I will be back home the night of the 30th, so if I'm good I should be able to take off a pound or two of bloat in that day. One or two days might get me back to my "real" weight though - I don't want it artificially inflated with tummy rubbish. We'll see. I tend to plan and then go with whatever force drives me in the moment.

Muletide

Binge. Then binge some more. Repeat. That is all.

Real

My weight seems to have settled into a day to day range of 132-134. This is fairly pleasing, since I don't think I've really settled at a weight below 138 until this month. I've been pretty much eating to hunger, and eating a lot when I'm craving it. Not the crazy binge-type urges like last week, just very, very hungry.

I'm starting to feel like 134 is my new safe number. As long as it is 134 or lower, it's not so bad.

I think I'm going to end up taking the scale to the family Christmas vacation again this year. Sigh.

.

I have eaten too much.

There have been carbs.

I've had a lot to drink.

I hesitate before stepping on the scale, bracing for impact.

Oh, is that all?

132.

Descent

131.0

I don't FEEL like I've been restricting that much?

Heck, I even had a McDonald's value meal breakfast yesterday.

But... I picked off half the tortillas on the burritos...

And what else did I eat?

Um.

A Fiber One brownie with a heap of peanut butter on it.

And

And

Rosemary veggies with a chicken thigh.

Oh.

Six

133.8 yesterday, 131.8 today. I think it's just dehydration because I spent most of the day asleep.

I'll take the 133.8 quite happily as a "real" number.

My eating is kind of in limbo. I have not been particularly low carb since Thanksgiving... My impression is that at least some of the crazy hunger and binge urges are related to my body missing the nutrients in carb-based foods. I sensed a warning that I should not try to push it further right now or I will end on a serious rebound of ongoing binges and weight gain.

Above all, I must not regain the weight. If that means I have to ease up on trying to lose right now, even though it's really only about six pounds lost, I need to be smart. Six pounds still made a difference. I can feel it in my waist and the fit of my jeans. Losing six pounds at this weight pretty much takes the same effort that losing 10 did at the higher weights. Six pounds still matters.

Dec 1

136.0, which somehow seems worlds more bearable than the .8 extra yesterday. I'm using it as the official monthly weight rather than fuss around trying to get a "real" number all week. It is what it is, and it's still 4 pounds better than November 1!

January 1: 157

February 1: 153

March 1: 145

April 1: 139

May 1: 137

June 1: 137

July 1: 138

August 1: 138

September 1: 136

October 1: 138

November 1: 140

December 1: 136

Woo Holiday Binges

136.8

Food baby.

Food babies.

My food baby is pregnant with a food baby.

Urgh, I may need to delay my first December weigh-in a few days so this can work it's way out of my system.

Sixty

I hit 130.8 today.

Reflections

Lowest number: 132.6
Morning after a giant carby meal including dessert: 134

Approximately 34"-28.5-30"-38"

I think that makes most of this weight loss Officially Real (not the 5 lb of water and tummy rubbish you can gain and lose in a few days of messing around).

I had another Moment today. I drove to Community College's Wealthy Suburb campus to leave something in Hummingbird's mailbox. This is the campus where I took my spring classes, and there is a wall in the bathroom that is entirely high-quality mirror. I spent Jan through May scrutinizing my reflection every time I walked past... and today I saw a different person there.

Just another night at the theater...

I shall have to tell the full story via laptop wifi sometime soon. Abbreviated version: Painter Guy, 24, nailed Costume Girl's little sister, 16. Actor Guy, who is nearly engaged to Costume Girl, pulled a knife on Painter Guy. On campus. 45 minutes before the closing night performance.

I drove Painter Guy to the hospital to have his hand fixed.

I held Costume Girl while she cried backstage during Act I.

I didn't murder Tech Girl who said Little Sister was "asking for it." I did, however, tell her "It is the adult's responsibility not to have sex with a child."

I don't know how we didn't end up on the eleven o'clock news.

Will not

give up. Not today, damnit. Will not, will not. Fuck. Get me out of here.

Surreal

133.4

?!

135?¿? I woke up 4 hours early for a work day, weighed in at 137, drank a glass of water, went back to bed. Woke up needing to pee like crazy, weighed again: 135. I dunno if it's real but I can hope...

8 Days In...

And 136.8 WOO! Back under what feels like a safe weight right now (138).

We went to Arby's during theater stuff tonight and I managed to take off 3/4 of my roast beef sandwich bun without anyone noticing and wtfing WOO again!

November

Today's weight: 140. Rage baby in process of aboriting (having a sort-of-period).

Year in review:

January 1: 157

February 1: 153

March 1: 145

April 1: 139

May 1: 137

June 1: 137

July 1: 138

August 1: 138

September 1: 136

October 1: 138

November 1: 140

December goal: 130

NY Goal: 127 (30 pounds lost in 2013)

I am starting low refined carbohydrate today. No hard and fast rules at this point. Eat enough to stay on my feet for work. Minimize carbs. Will probably aim for 100 grams per day, not counting foods that are already very low carb, i.e. most veggies and nuts. No calorie goal, because I'm usually too lazy to count calories anyway. Will try to increase intake of healthy/antiinflammatory fats like walnuts, coconut, avocado.

I want to get back into strength training for muscle retention AND so I'm strong enough to care for my enormous baby nephew when I see him again! 16 plus pounds, good golly.

I miss running terribly, but I may need to take a month or two without doing high-impact exercise to get this inflammation (which is MUCH better since camping, strangely) under control.

Twins!

I now have a rage baby AND a camp food baby.

Clothed, daytime getting home yesterday: 147

November 1st marks a major overhaul. I've had quite enough of this.

Scale crept out of hiding

143 total weight (F*CK), 99 pounds lean.

Uterus rage baby happening again.

F*ck. 143. Haven't seen that number since July. Don't want to see it again.

Weight Unknown

Intake: Some days bingey, some days normalish, a few days ristricty.
Scale: Stuffed away.
Exercise: stalled due to inflammation. Hopefully a few total rest days followed by a gentle re-entry to working out will help.

141.6

Urgh. 11 days until my race: strength is important, NOT weight.

My uterus has been gestating a baby of rage and pain

so my weight is up several pounds. I got 142 daytime-clothes-but-no-shoes yesterday. I don't think I want to weigh again until after Aunt Flo is well underway.

139.8

Ick. But my sleep schedule is jacked up for training at work, and I ate a crapton yesterday (see: sleep schedule jacked). Health assessment in 48 hours. Possible to be 135-136 by then? I think so, with great effort. I'm not sure if I'm feeling that efforty.

Mets

I think I've been on the metformin a coupla weeks now, and my period started after 5 days on the pill. I peed out two or three pounds of water overnight - yowza! - for a weight of 136.0 on day one and 136.4 on day two. Hooray! My fears about gaining weight from the meds are subsiding. My determination to be under the BMI 25 cutoff for the best health insurance discount continues.

Adventures in Vegetables

I've been loading up on veggies. I think the best "dose" was the lightly cooked broccoli in my Chinese beef & broccoli dish. Apparently there was more clearing out to be done :P

138.0 after 2 days on the (BCP) pill. Still eating like a racehorse but trying to shift toward fewer cupcakes and more healthy foods.

Looking back over the last few months, 135.something seems to be the number I can't break below. That will be my next project.

NONONONONO

140.0

The day AFTER I cleared out my system with a stimulant laxative. They're bad, I know, but the PCOS med is causing unbearable constipation.

If I bloat up like a balloon once I start the birth control, I'm going to lose my mind.

September

I bring in September at 136. I have been oinking out for several days, feeling sorry for myself about meds and cysts and things. Also haven't had time to grocery shop because of work days back to back. The oppressive heat has just lifted so I hope to get active and feel better and eat better soon.

My next goal is 132. Next major goal 128. Feeling ambitious for September but don't want to try too hard and burn myself out. We'll see.

Metformin

I feel enormously bloated from ov time. I expected to weigh more, but maybe I'm also dehydrated from sleeping too long, or from my shiny new medication giving me the runs. NOT HAVING FUN HERE.

138 yesterday, 137.4 today.

Shrimp and Cysts

Yesterday's intake

Two cupcakes, two glasses of milk, a turkey sandwich.

135.2.

#1 Danger-Will-Robinson DO NOT ENGAGE behavior: chew & spit. HOW does it mess up my body so much? I don't understand; on paper it looks like such a low-risk thing. But a few episodes will have me orthostatic and my blood sugar off for days. It took time to figure out and I was in stubborn denial for a while, but it really is that bad. I can't let myself do it anymore.

#2 Do not engage behavior: bingeing. But I think I'm at the upper levels of stress where I'm past the desire to binge. I had two cupcakes but I didn't really enjoy them, and I had no desire to wolf down the remaining 4 in the package all at once.

#3 Do not engage behavior: restricting. My days off are one thing, but disordered eating CANNOT bleed into my work performance. I need to fuel for work the next few nights. Fueling for work isn't usually a problem, but the last shift I didn't eat enough. Must do better.

Spice Nation

Only meal yesterday was a first-time-stop at a North Indian buffet with K. HOLY CRAP it was FABULOUS. It was vegetarian & vegan food, which I knew beforehand. I didn't realize until we got there though, that it meant most of the intake would be carbohydrate. I managed to stifle my panic long enough to stuff myself silly, and did not have a blood sugar crash after, which made me very happy.

I absolutely adore the way Indian food is seasoned. Most of it was overly spicy for me, but if I really like a spicy food I just keep eating and chugging water and crying and sniffling and eating. I have trouble remembering the names, but the korma and samosas and saag paneer were all to die for. The restaurant patrons were 90% Indian, which makes me think it is actually authentic Indian food and not too Americanized.

I was in literal physical pain after. It's like everything swelled up in my belly after I finished eating.

137.4.

Fck

133.8. Yesterday's intake a double cheesburger minus half the bun, one mozzarella stick. Because I am a model of health. Because I have a doctors appointment next week and I'm trying to numb down a bit from "scared shitless."

Eat-in Chicken. That's what I said, asshole.

At Sam's Club there was this beautiful looking giant stuffed chicken breast with spinach and artichoke inside. I bought one, loaded up a plate at home and... it smelled so delicious when I heated it up... but it was seriously salty. I ate most of it anyway, because it would have been good except for the salt, but I won't be doing that again...

136.6

Yes. Yes, I'm very hungry.

135.0

34-29-38

Yesterday's intake: two ounces of cashews, a Little Debbie brownie (ugh, how did I like those so much?), and 8 ounces of milk. Could that have been it?? Yes, I think that was it.

135.6.

137.4

Day after buffet. It actually wasn't as good as usual, but I still ate plenty. I haven't worked out in about 3 weeks, which is horrifying - but I just bought a new pair of shoes that will hopefully keep me running comfy, and I have my little cheapy weight bench set up and ready to roll. Must. Get. Moving. Again.

Day 2

At 135.4. I guess I'll call it real :)

I'm going to screw it up by eating my weight in delicious buffet food at dinner theatre tonight, but I'll get back on track on Sunday.

Homemade something would be an accomplishment

Kitty, the granola + yogurt + honey thing sounds exquisite! I keep meaning to try making granola myself, since oats are so cheap and granola is expensive.

I have been low-carbing it... Weight steadily declining over last few days, even though I'm drinking liter after liter. 135.4 this morning.

135.4.

New "I haven't weighed this little since I was 18" weight.

I hit 135.8 briefly in May, but I intend for it to last this time. I'm going to keep low-carbing at least until I'm in the low 130s.

I have lost exactly 55 pounds. I wonder how soon I can make it 60...

Land of Milk & Honey

I never understood why that was supposed to mean something fabulous until I had a Greek strained yogurt with honey. I have seen the light! Mmmm.

137.2, 98 pounds lean mass (28.6%)

How long has it been since I've seen that 7? Two things have helped... I started my period on Friday night and throughout the day beforehand I was losing a lot of retained fluid...

And the carbophobia is kinda kicking in.

I have good days with most parts of my body except my stomach. I have not lost the extra tummy pooch that I acquired when I got so overweight. Eating low carb helps more with belly fat because high insulin levels (insulin resistance + high carb diet = high insulin in the body on a regular basis) promote abdominal fat storage. It won't help with the loose skin, but nothing will so I try not to think about it.

I also have fixated on getting to 135. SO close and yet so far! It's 80% of the way to "healthy" goal, which feels enormous. 70% felt like two-thirds of the way. 80% feels like Almost There.

No-Weigh August lasted 4 days!

Well, until August 4th. I'm sure I was scale-less for a week altogether.

140.2 daytime, 138.4 morning. We'll call it 139. I'm still going to try to weigh less often. Would love to end August at 135 (Goal Weight 8, aka 80% to "healthy" goal).

Marshmallow Hands

My hands are swollen again. It's almost 2 weeks since my period started, increasing my suspicions that this is the latest symptom development of my reproductive system trying to kill me.

I do not know my weight. I was 139 after I ran 3 miles earlier this week (evening), 139 in the morning a day or two later. That means I've been maintaining since April, which is (of course, as always, ad infinitim) both pleasing and annoying. I haven't gained. Not Real Weight.

I've been having mini-binges periodically but also restricting periodically. The urge seems to be random, and I suspect it is all evening out into a very unhealthy method of weight maintenance.

Year to date:

January 1: 157

February 1: 153

March 1: 145

April 1: 139

May 1: 137

June 1: 137

July 1: 138

August: ?!?!?

139.8

Crimson Tide

Day one of period: 140 pounds, 98 pounds lean body mass. I bottomed out at 97 pounds lean, and am now getting 98-99 depending on what my total weight on the scale is.

The days when my hands were swelling and I gained 6 pounds were mostly July 1-2... aka 2 weeks ago.. aka ov time.. I am SO sick of my body.

I have been bingeing/overeating/eating junk on far too regular a basis, but I've been consistently physically active since (I checked the date I hauled my bike out of storage and rode for the first time) May 27th. I'm very pleased at the progress I've made in stamina, and THRILLED that I can run as well as I can right now.

I'm transitioning from a "move when I feel like it because it feels good" to "let's add a little structure because I'm training for a race." I want to stay in this headspace where being active is mostly about feeling good (or not feeling as bad) and being strong, and keep it from being a must-do or a purge or overtraining to the point of injury.

WS's Veggie Casserole and Haywire Hormones

144. Frack. Even my hands are swollen.

138

I'm tired of this. All of it.

Roids

I have been everything from 135.something to 143 lately. 137-138 seems like a fair "real" weight. I'm on day 2 of 5 for steroids because my lungs are acting up, and I expect the next period within a week, so bracing myself for higher numbers for a bit. Or maybe I should be sensible and not weigh myself?! Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Oh, guess what drives your blood sugar up. Steroids. Yep. My mind is playing revolving door between NO CARBS TIL IT'S OVER and Screw it, your blood sugar's going to be fecked anyway so may as well binge.

Exercise

140.4. Ovulation? Exercise? Deranged mini-binges? I don't know which.

I'm bracing myself in case it's the exercise. Exercise is good. Muscle is good. I need more muscle. I shan't scare it off by stopping the exercise or not eating enough to sustain it.

And hold/2013 so far

136.2. I am thinking that ~136 may be my new "real" weight between hormonal bloats.

From a Stickie on my computer:

January 1: 157

February 1: 153

March 1: 145

April 1: 139

May 1: 137

June Goal: 135

I may not quite make it, especially since I am only seeing the "real" numbers for brief interludes between hormonal bloats, but I am still (trying to be) pleased at the overall progress.

I did not transfer from being dragged along by restriction to being dragged along by bingeing. I have not gained real weight at any time this year. That is new. That is progress.

And Again

135.8 yesterday morning, despite consuming two breakfast tacos, most of two donuts*, a big piece of Snickers pie and 3/4 of a large (thin crust) pizza and chugging Diet Coke most of the sleepless night beforehand.

*For me a donut is usually an icing-filled affair. The Marsh here in Wealthy Suburb makes masterpieces that are full-to-the-brim with white or chocolate fluff. They are delicious and stomach-turning and SO far beyond your basic 250-calorie yeast donut. I refuse to even look for nutrition info on them.

Then yesterday I ate an entire donut. I can't remember the last time I actually ate an entire donut - I usually get weird about it by halfway through. More Snickers pie, among other things. I did at least manage to have some chili. Good fiber to push the leftovers through...

New LW

And I eat myself half to death.

"If I have lost weight then I need to eat so I don't get all starvey-bingey."

Nonsense, much? (ok not TOTALLY nonsense, but it's still weird) But it's been a pattern.

Tomorrow will be better, right? Right.

"Normal" again - for the moment

136.6. Nibbling throughout shifts, but using the exhaustion at the end of the day as a reason not to keep eating. Trying to behave myself (as in not restrict too much) so giving dinner a boost tonight to keep strong for my shift tomorrow.

Having one of those weird days...

where I go to put my hands on my waist, and my hands don't find flesh and stop where they used to/ought to. One of those weird weight loss perception-reality disconnects. Not sure how I feel about it.

alsknba;oeirhgkadnsljn,fgm

138.4 this morning, 141 tonight.

My hospital's cafeteria food is disgusting; no chance of overindulgence there. Bloating like mad.

Now Airing: Tempest's Binge Spectacular!

I have not been crashy lately, but to stave off any potential post-binge crashes yesterday, I simply kept eating til I fell asleep.

I AM THE QUEEN OF LOGIC.

142.0 this morning. When I woke, even my hands were swollen and stiff feeling, like at the end of a really long walk.

I wanted to measure my rigid, distended abdomen to horrify myself into avoiding future binges (ie Binge = 3" more waist? No thank you) but I couldn't find my fracking tape measure. Gah.

I may not eat today.

I think that now, but I also know that in a few hours hunger will probably get the best of me.

I do not want to be all swollen binge-belly at the baby shower this weekend. I want to be all "No thanks to the cake, it looks lovely, but I have to eat carefully to keep my blood sugar from dropping" and go home hungry.

137.6

Does my scale even know that .2 and .8 exist? Sheesh.

Small Victories

Pacing the store in full binge mode.

At least I have learned not to get a cart when I'm like this.

My saving grace: there are no chocolate cupcakes in the bakery aisle.

I manage to leave the store with Diet Coke and a box of chocolate Fiber One cereal.

I mange to have one bowl of it.

The Crazies

A pumpkin pie happened yesterday.

139.4 happened this morning.

Orientation happens tomorrow.

I need to be content with maintaining again.

I need to worry about being strong. My work requires strength.

I have lost so much of it.

The World's Slowest Binge

I got the cupcakes on Monday night... Knew there would be Cajun-Creole food at Anthropology on Tuesday night, and the bread is hard to resist...

So I made the cupcakes my 2-hour mini meals. I had 6 cupcakes over 24 hours, spread out as 1/3-1/2 cupcake every hour or two. It was ridiculous, but I got to have my treat food and not screw my blood sugar up *too* badly. I sorta behaved myself with the Cajun, and got the stew but skipped the rice.

Today I dropped K off to pick his car up from the shop (he's a retired mechanic, but can't do all the work himself, especially weird electrical stuff) and he took me to Texas Roadhouse after. I did NOT gorge myself on yeast rolls and cinnamon butter, which is possibly a first. Ever. EVER. I call the place Texas Rollhouse, after all. Mmm.

I did have two rolls with my meal, but it's going to be my only meal today. That was two hours ago and I don't seem to be crashing, so hopefully my body has started to stabilize a bit again. I hope so, because it sure is nice not to have to fuss over food every couple of hours.

Catching my breath, letting it go

Trying to kill the binge monster when I'm halfway down it's throat. Got the crazy shifty-limb FOOD NOW after I'd already decided I could have a Proper-Sized Meal for dinner (need to think about writing my research paper, not the state of my stomach). Next thing I know I have a bag of chips, a tray of cupcakes, and a meal from Chick Fil A in front of me.

I managed to stuff down a fiber supplement, chug an enormous Diet Coke, and get the chicken in first (if I'm going to binge I can at least TRY to cushion the carbs). My saving grace was that the fries were gross and cold. I had one cupcake, then had to stop because all that Coke and other sloshy things are taking up my breathing space.

But who needs to breathe when you could be eating? Ha. So I'm sitting here blogging trying to keep the remaining cupcakes under their lid.

Deep breaths.

Deep slow breaths.

Another Landmark: Normal

136.4 two days in a row. Ate lots of mini meals yesterday, have been drinking like a fish. I think it's real.

BMI 24.9

Holding onto

137.0

Seems like when I try to give myself permission to have a full meal, I end up restricting to make up for it anyway. I'm tired of this. 8-lane roundabout, no exits.

Confused

137.4 two days in a row. Huh? Seriously? I was at a buffet yesterday. Dehydration?

I've been doing fairly well at consistent small meals to keep my blood sugar stable, but I didn't have much yesterday because I was wound up about going down to the city to talk with State U people about registration and financial aid. I decided to drag K out to Safe Buffet so I'd have a big meal, but then I didn't eat anything for the rest of the night.

Today I'm giving myself permission to eat whatever/however it takes to get me through a job interview this afternoon. So far all I've been able to get down is protein shake :P

139.2, second day of period (<-explains some of the flushy hotness. This is the first time I've had imaginary hot lamps on me all night, 2 nights before period AND last night. It's only been around ovulation before. Seriously, menopause symptoms at 28? Not funny). Eating every 2-3 hours to keep blood sugar from crashing. My baggies of apples+string cheese and walnuts+M&Ms are holding me over well. I guess it's a little better than only cottage cheese & chow mein noodles (mmm, I know what I need to eat next)? I bought a bag of avocados and am determined not forget and let them rot, so it's been salad with a whole avocado the last 3 nights. Avocado = bliss. And apparently about 3 grams of carbohydrate per ounce, so it's also "safe."

I feel frustrated that I haven't lost weight at all this month, I need to remember that Not Gaining = Progress.

Maintaining is good, because maintaining is better than gaining.

Really, isn't maintaining the most difficult skill of all? Almost anyone can crash diet to a goal weight, but it's what you do when you stop the "diet" that dictates how things play out.

Eat ALL THE THINGS part 2

I left Easter's leftover brownie pie slice on the counter to thaw... and forgot it overnight.

So I had it for breakfast. Among other things. And their cousins.

Then I spend the entire. fucking. afternoon. trying to get out of a blood sugar plunge.

I've been getting flushed/hot sometimes lately and have wondered if it's my blood sugar getting high. BUT... I also know I freak out/worry, so if my blood sugar is high, the last thing I need to do is get all worked up and have my mood make it more unstable.

I went to the drugstore and got an A1C test, which checks average blood sugar over the last 3 months or so (it doesn't tell you how high/low/stable it gets, just an overall average). I tested mine 2 summers ago and got 5.0, and last summer and got 5.3. I got 5.3 again. It isn't perfect (it is far below diabetic target levels, but the goal here is to never become diabetic!) but it isn't worse than a year ago, which I'm pretty happy with.

My only goal right now HAS to be stopping the up-down blood sugar fuckery. I've baggied up 1-ounce nut portions with a few M&Ms as well as sliced up some fresh apples to have by the 1/4 with mozzarella. I'll think of other high protein/low carb snacks tomorrow, but it's good to have something ready to grab. Based on today, my 200/20/2 has too many carbs. I'm going to start at 10-15 per mini-meal rather than 20.

Commence frequent nomming.

Eat ALL THE THINGS

I'm too tired to go fishing for Mich's illustration, but that was my day. Was 140.0 before the madness.

New goals:

1. Get MOVING. I am so physically restless, I suppose from all the stress, and several hours of apartment cleaning and rearrangement did not help (just kept me from taking my history exam online). Exercise will also help keep my blood sugar stable and help reduce stress about #2.

2. Try a 200/20/2 plan for a few days to see if it helps with the binge crazies. Basically, I can have about 200 calories, including up to 20 grams of carbohydrate, every 2 hours. If the bingeys are from legit nutritional shortcomings, I need to eat a wider variety of foods. Limiting the carbs and eating frequently will help keep my blood sugar stable, and eating every 2 hours will help regulate appetite and keep me from eating huge amounts all at once. I may not even count calories. I haven't counted calories for a good long while, and would prefer to stay OUT of that mess if at all possible. We'll see.

Premature Creole Food Baby

140.2 during my insomnia last night, 139.2 today.

I didn't special order (forgot, actually) but ate the stew off the top of the rice. I did eat most of the bread, it would have been criminal not to. K DID stare at my plate incredulously and say "Are you feeling ok?!" because I'm usually licking crumbs off the floor at this place, lol. I gave the blood sugar line.

But it was WS's first time there and she wanted to try the peanut butter pie. I would've caved and gotten a slice, but they ran out while we were eating (sniffle/whew).

Over the hump?

142.6 yesterday (I did obscene things with Boston Market the day before), 141.4 today. Intend to continue the downward trend.

Freaking ladyparts, obscuring whether it's real weight or cycle weight. How much weight will I lose with a hysterectomy?

I have a dinner date with WS and K tonight. It's going to be weird ordering the stew-over-rice New Orleans style meal as stew-over-nothing, but I'm going to do it. I may eat the bread though, K will ask what the hell is wrong if I don't eat the bread (half the time I get extra bread because it is so freaking good). Maybe I'll eat half and shove the rest at him and say I'm not hungry :P

Aw heck, I'm overthinking it. All I have to do is say "my blood sugar is playing tricks on me" and they will think "Poor Tempest, she can't eat the bread and rice," not "Tempest is being weird and not eating."

Bungee

141.0 today, shockingly. More and more food. I don't think I can do this a third day.

**Addendum**

I was just looking at the tags on my posts and it occurred to me that I'm getting worked up about being two and a half freaking pounds up from nine days ago. How pathetic that my life boils down to this.

Any day now

139.6-140.8 last few days.

Today I decided I could eat more until my period starts (estimated arrival tomorrow, though goodness knows it doesn't like to work on my schedule). I know I'll regret it when tonight's dinner shows up on the scale tomorrow. So I gave myself permission not to weigh tomorrow, which, of course, I will have to do anyway.

Steady as she goes

139.0. I think I'm starting the pre-period bloat. Things are crazy. I'm trying to eat more. Figured I'd hook myself into a meal with somebody and called K up for dinner at an enormous Chinese-American buffet that has a lot of "safe" foods (meat = safe). I ate less than a plate's worth and had to sit and yap for an hour before I could get down a half plate of seconds.

138.4

I ate as much as I cold hold at lunch. And that's all I ate. Didn't plan it that way, it just happened. WS sent me home with leftovers, as she does at every holiday meal. I don't know if I can eat them. There's an egg casserole which SHIT I was thinking was ok but it's got hash browns in it, fruit salad which is delicious and nutritious but loaded with sugar and I've had issues on & off with fruit since the very beginning. Coffee cake with pecans & craisins and brownie cream cheese pie.

I don't usually have a big problem with throwing out food now & then, but it feels like throwing out her hospitality. Even if I stick it in the freezer, though, it's inviting a binge later. And I don't want the ugly *taste, but don't swallow* thing that's happened several times in the last few weeks to become a pattern again.

Compromise: I need to fuel for work, and the egg casserole has lots of protein and not all that much potato. I'll eat it before my shift tonight.

The other stuff will probably rot in the back of the fridge because I'll put off making a decision until I forget about it altogether...

Records

138.4

Nine-year low.

53 pounds total lost.

18 pounds in 3 months?! That's another lifetime record. I never lose weight this fast. I was losing a pound a week at most during the times I was losing last year. My big losses typically come in spurts of a week or two, and almost always with a rebound.

I wish I knew what was different, but I don't. Someone said to me recently that she wanted to be rid of her eating disorder, that there was nothing remotely alluring about it. The trouble is, when I'm losing weight... that's alluring. Despite the stress over what I can eat and when, over really allowing myself a "free" meal now and then (like I'm about to head off for at WS's, including a dessert that will contain chocolate), over the fact that I've just hit this magical number and I may lose it tomorrow because of one meal - which distressed me despite the reality that I know for an absolute fact I will not gain real weight from one meal. Despite all that, when I step on the scale and it still doesn't start with 15- or 17- or 19-, when my jeans that have been waiting for me to fit into them for years are too loose, when I am reminded, once again, to enormous satisfaction, that I can cross my legs again, it feels worth it.

Out like a lamb

140.0. But I am hopefully entering the bi-monthly part of the cycle where I flush out a bunch of water. We'll see tomorrow.

Impatience

140.0 today.
I am just DYING to see
<139 (9-year low)
and <137 (normal BMI).

But I'm trying to reign in the beast. I was intensely hungry yesterday. I saw a Tumblr pic of pumpkin pie that nearly led to an all-out binge. Somehow pumpkin pie feels less unsafe as a binge food than other carbs, I dunno. So I fed myself major quantities of meat & some veggies, not once but three times yesterday. I went to the grocery store and got a few "safe" things with more variety than my current staple meal of creamy cottage cheese with crunchy Asian noodles.

Mom & I were talking about weight & food a few days ago... She said that even though I've told her I'm mostly losing weight because of stress (partly true but I'm not giving her the rest of the story), she gets the impression I've turned a corner and I'm not going to just rebound and gain it back.

She's definitely right. I do feel like I've broken the emotional mega-binge part of my eating disorder that led me to 190 pounds. While I'm definitely losing my marbles a little bit, I'm also trying to take active steps to make sure that I don't push myself into rebound malnutrition-binge mode either.

Basically, I'm trying to keep the tiger on a leash. I'm doing ok for the moment, trying to stifle the little voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm playing a dangerous game.

Hurtling toward a 9-year low

139.6

What 50 Pounds Looks Like

Food Baby Ultrasound Reveals Triplets!

I am in physical pain. Four hours after the meal, lol. I had a steak & bacon quesadilla with black bean salsa and a chocolate molten lava cake (or some name like that, it is wicked good). I couldn't even finish it all, and WS got a kick (in a nice way) out of me trying to get all the cake down before we needed to leave the concert.

I left a little bit of the cake and took 1/4 of the quesadilla home. I think I'm going to finish it now, food baby or no, so I don't have to figure out what to do with it tomorrow when I'm trying to get back on track.

50

I have lost fifty pounds as of today.

 191.4
-141.2
   50.2

WS is taking me out for birthday dinner tonight and I WANT TO EAT DESSERT AND ENJOY IT, DAMNIT. But carb-anxiety is creeping in like a darkness at the edge of my thoughts, and dinner + dessert = major calories. I don't think I'll be eating before dinner : /

Floodgates

I forgot to bring a lunch to work last night. I did have a Glucerna shake in my bag, but when mixed with diet soda they tend to have quite a dramatic reaction in my tum and the bubbles don't come out.

I brought in a few dollars for the vending machines in case I had a blood sugar emergency (I ALWAYS fuel for work if I need to. Always.) but didn't get anything in the end.

At the end of my shift, I worried that I would be dehydrated... Nothing but Diet Coke all night. So I had 32 ounces of water from then until I went to bed.

I kept waking up needing to get rid of that water.

Guess it's a no to dehydration again.

142.2 today.

In Moderation

I need to stop weighing myself so much. Part of the trouble is that my scale gives slightly different numbers depending on whether  I step on it cold, or after a shower when the bathroom is steamy.

At one point, it gave higher numbers after a shower. Now it gives lower. I don't know when that changed, but at least it doesn't jump back and forth. The trouble is, lately instead of only weighing after a shower, I've been weighing when I get up, before the shower, while the water is running, after the shower, later in the day (weighing just me, weighing while holding something to reset it, weighing just me, straightening the scale so it aligns with the lines on the linoleum, weighing again)...

I'm going to try to get back to only weighing... ONCE... when I get up. I've been getting 144-144.6 lately, and I got 143 stepping on it cold this morning, so I am hopeful that the arrival of Auntie Flo has gotten me out of the 144s (of course, there's the ever present "you're just dehydrated, that number isn't real" thought).

I almost always have a "safe" number in mind when I get on the scale. A safe number means the number below which *It's Really Not That Bad*. A few weeks ago, my safe number was 150. I haven't been able to convince myself 150 is ok though (and now it is laughably high), so I tried to assign a new safe number of 146.

Even though I have not gotten over 144.something, I CANNOT seem to convince myself that anything over 143 is ok. Looks like my safe number is playing its own games now : /

Distortion

I have no idea what size I am anymore.

Have you ever had the experience when you lose weight, that your mental construct of how big you are doesn't line up with reality anymore?

I bought these nice pants for interviewing maybe 2 months ago? At the time, the 14s fit just right, and the 12s looked mostly ok except for a little upcrack, which I consider seriously unprofessional. I decided to go with the 14s rather than risk walking into an interview with a semi-wedgie.

I wore them to drop off a resume yesterday and they were huge. Not "You look trashy" huge, but I had to work to keep them from wadding up under my belt (which was quite necessary to keep them at the right latitude).

Today I went back to the store and brought 12s and 10s to the fitting room. I looked at the 10s and thought: there is no way that's coming up past my thighs.

They fit almost perfectly.

It's really confusing, especially with regard to my "problem areas." I have a round, chubby face. I hate my soft cheeks and rounded chin. Some days I'm ok with my reflection, sometimes I find it seriously disturbing. Some pics I'm ok with, some I find seriously disturbing. What troubles me the most about the pics is that there are two from about 160 pounds that I think were actually taken the same day. In one (that I took myself) I think my face looks really nice. In the other, I look like I'm storing marshmallows like a chipmunk. Posture & camera angle is just as important as weight in determining how my face looks in photos, so I can't even rely on my usual method of comparing 2 photos to look for progress.

<sigh>

Because two slices of cheddar, a handful of nuts, and three squares of dark chocolate are a totally balanced main meal of the day.

143.0 for the last 2 days - looks like dehydration has been ruled out! I'm 1 away from 70% to goal, 1.6 away from having lost 50 pounds, 6 away from a normal BMI.

Come again?

142.8. Umm, what? I was up to 146.something yesterday, and I ate more than usual lately, so I expected about 147. The possibilities are 1 - I just dropped a few pounds of ov weight or 2 - I'm really dehydrated.

I'm not taking my chances with dehydration, so I downed 32 ounces of water with my breakfast.

I'm also determined to up my intake more: if I'm really losing weight this fast I need to put the brakes on before I crash, burn, and gain.

Here's the rule: low refined carbohydrate. That's it. Goal: lots of veggies. Just a goal. If it is low carb, it is safe. I'll probably go for a max of 20-30 grams per meal and 10 per snack, but I want to stay in the not-really-counting zone. It seems to be working so far.

By the way, I just set a lifetime record. At 18 I could lose 7 pounds in a week, but I'd gain it back over the next two. In 2010, I lost 10 pounds in a month on low refined carbohydrate and pretty much kept it off. I started restricting around February 14th, so I just lost 10 pounds in 3 weeks o.O

I WILL NOT gain it back. I WILL NOT spaz if I am up a few pounds for a few days because I am eating more (well, maybe a little), because tummy rubbish is not real weight. I WILL NOT rebound and gain.

I am *THIS CLOSE* to being within 20 pounds of my healthy goal.

144.8 pounds total weight, 100 pounds lean body mass, body fat 31%. I have actually eaten twice today already, and I plan to eat at least twice more. I bought two donuts with my microwave dinners & veggies today, though I don't know if I'll be brave (stupid?) enough to eat them. One white fluff filled, one chocolate fluff filled, the best kind. They really know how to fill them here in Wealthy Suburb, it's like half a can of cake icing wrapped in a thin donut wrapper.

But I don't want a sugar crash and I don't want to screw up what I've got going on here. I will have at least one bite of each, and if I decide to throw out the rest, by God I'm going to destroy it. None of that "Well it's still clean in the bakery bag in the trash and I'm hungry again" crap.

Shawty got that wat wat

145.0! That's roughly 8 pounds in 2 weeks (definitely 5 pounds in 10 days), which is lightning fast for me.

I am eating with the antibiotics twice a day and a probiotic once a day. With the antibiotics it's often half a can of chili, which if I add a load of cheese and sour cream (which I sometimes do since it's low carb and feels safe) comes out to around 500 cals, so at around 1,200 total, that's not reeeally undereating. I think I can live with that.

I'm 3 pounds from GW7, aka 70% to my "healthy" goal. I think I'd like to get to that number, then start slowing this whole thing down. Momentum will only carry me so far before I rebound and the whole thing blows up in my face as uncontrollable bingeing. I need to stay aware enough to stop that before it happens.

It's Complicated

146.6. I have to eat twice a day with the antibiotics and I SHOULD eat at least once between to get something probiotic in (kefir, yogurt). Eating is still not that appealing. It doesn't help that my blood sugar has been playing games with me, which wreaks havoc even when I'm not sick. Eating -> feeling sick = being scared of eating.

I have devolved into half a dozen or so "safe" foods vs. Everything Else. I'm not usually a safe foods kind of person but the carb/blood sugar thing is making that worse.

Yep, I'm a hot mess.

The Descent Continues

147.6.

I have forgotten what it is like to eat all the time. Did I do that on purpose? It doesn't occur to me now, maybe a few times a day, and I really only pay attention to it once. Maybe twice if I need to to think for work or school.

I don't want to know how many calories. One microwave dinner, a rice cake, a Greek yogurt, and half my weight in cough drops yesterday. I don't think I've eaten that much in a single day for over a week.

It is my comfort, distraction, control, escape. I've been sick for five days, so I'm going to be foggy, lightheaded, and exhausted regardless. May as well make the most of it.

Sick & Tired

150.2. I am exhausted and sick. I have been restricting (Down from 153-155 lately). Not counting calories strictly, just I shouldn't have that much, I shouldn't eat yet, that's too many carbs. For example, I usually treat myself to a double cheeseburger minus half the bun on my way to work. That plus a bag of peanut M&Ms was all I had last day I worked. Not much, and not healthy, but isn't that the way eating disorders go?

153-155. I *think* I am a true 153 with ov bloat but it's hard to tell with my cycle going off the rails the last few months.

Back to school!

And 154.

First day after

the steroids are done. 155.0. Too tired to think about plans.

With a full-strength dose of Feckitol

There will be no dieting while on steroids. Will try not to overeat.

Ok-ish

There was some disorderly misbehavior yesterday, but in the end the copious fresh veggies won the day. 155.8 today.

Today is the Day

Veggies & protein. ONE carby item of under 50 g will be allowed if needed to sleep (it probably will).

Train Wreck

Still caught in the bingey undertow.

New Year's Day

157 pounds, 104 of that lean mass. Body fat 33% (home scale), BMI 28.7.

Goal 147 by January 31.

Going home tomorrow.