So here goes body insecurity and getting up in front of an audience! We will be wearing our own clothes (white shirt, jeans, sneakers) for this show so at least I don't have to get measured! I was 130.6 the day before first auditions and 134.4 today after copious drinking and eating of salty greasy things with other theater people Friday night. Tonight I'm at work and exhausted so if I need to eat to stay awake, so be it. Tomorrow is another day.
I worked up the nerve to weigh again a few days ago and got 137.6.
I'm posting the weight since I honestly thought I'd crossed north into the 140s
I'm still furious at myself for gaining, but the reality is that the lowest I settled at this spring was 127. I have gained 10 pounds. 10 pounds, not 60. 10 pounds can be lost again. I will get a handle on this; I will be ok.
136.6
If I weigh again before Sept 1, I don't plan to post it. I probably won't track intake til then, either. I've been focusing on increasing my fiber intake and buying appealing, convenient good for home to stop my horrendous and EXPENSIVE restaurant binge habit that has developed over the last 1-2 months. Im making progress.
My digestive tract has kicked back into gear, which I think accounts for the weight change. Few things feel worse than having days upon days of waste inside you ::: shudder:::
Bottomless is, I'm still struggling but things are getting a smidge better.
Waist 30.5" - down two inches! Thank you, digestive tract!
Hips 39.25"
I had the leftovers of yesterday's Papa John's excursion for "breakfast."
Chocolate chip cookies 600
Milk 240
Fiber Choice 30 (notice how even with my "yeah, fiber ftw!" stuff yesterday I didn't have anything high fiber? Idiot...)
I don't know what I want for the rest of the day except to have some of my fresh veggies and to get to bed early. I'm back down to 50 pounds lost, ffs. This has to stop.
I work the next 3 days and catsit for WS for 4. I've asked her to have fresh meat & cheese on hand, and she always stocks up on Diet Coke when I'm going to be over. Maybe the change of environment and busy days will help shake me out of this nonstop binge loop.
Waist 32.5"
Hips 39.5"
So yes, most of this weight gain is real...
I wasn't thinking about it being K's birthday, so there was a birthday dinner.
Reuben sandwich
Rhubarb pie
Chocolate cake cheesecake
Imagine each of those being enough to fill a grown man :P
137.8 holy hell
Breakfast burrito
Breaded pork
Chili Mac
Mashed potatoes
12 chicken nuggets
Large chocolate frosty
Bedtime note: time for laxatives. I missed a week or two of metformin and I think restarting it has me backed up. This is MISERABLE.
136.8
Breakfast burrito
Personal pizza
Sweet potato frieze
Nachos belgrande
Chicken soft taco
Steak quesarito
Half protein shake 90
But darned if it doesn't get in the way of everything else! I need to get used to being a little hungry. I know too much trying to override hunger leads to binges but ffs body, you can go 6 hours without food.
Pasta-bean-veggie soup with cheese & crackers 300
I'm back at home now with one chocolate fluff filled donut in tow. I could've done worse yesterday. I want to do better today.
Skyline Chili 820
Chocolate fluff donut 500?
Milk 240
(1860)
What was I just saying?
Oh well.
Next 3 days are 12-hour orientation days, so they will either go very well or very poorly...
Mac n cheese 800
Chickpeas 150
Mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich 170
(2980)
Feck.
Jan 1: 134
Feb 1: 132
Mar 1: 127
April 1: 127
May 1: 134
June 1: 130
July 1: 133
I'm so fucking sick of tracking. Of all of this.
I've been eating junky foods but in fairly moderate portions.
Wow, can you believe the year is half over?? It's just after midnight so I won't have a new month weight until "tomorrow." I've wasted SO much energy to end up essentially maintaining for 6 months. Fucking eating disorder.
Omnomnom
I actually like the WW ice cream bar pretty well. It's not very chocolatey, but it is nice and creamy. It's only 100 cals AND it has 5 g fiber, so overall I'm pretty happy with it.
Protein shake
Cold cut sandwich
Small slice Boston creme cake
There will be a giant muffin abomination at some point later tonight, too.
133.2
I can't numb out. If I'm going to keep eating like this, I need to at least find foods with nutrition info so I stay aware of how much I'm putting into my mouth.
Cream cheese & light jelly on Ezekiel bread 280
Protein water 30
Wheat thins 220
Chive & onion cream cheese 120
WW ice cream bar 100
(750)
Big Mac 550
French fries 380
White chicken chili 500
Crackers & cream cheese 300
(2460)
2 white cupcakes #lots
4" square iced brownie #lots
16 oz milk 240
Crapload of wheat thins and chive cream cheese #lots
Total #lots
Vanilla cone 170
Double cheeseburger, half bun 400
3 Slices Papa Johns pizza
1 garlic sauce
2 crunchy tacos supreme
Weight Watchers ice cream bar 100
Est 2400
Vanilla cone 170
Turkey, Swiss, cucumber on Ezekiel bread 360
Creme filled donut bits est 500
Milk chocolate butter cookies 390
Bacon Mac & cheese 440
(1860)
More bacon Mac 220
More cookies 390
(2470)
That's the bad news. The good news is that I finally RAN today! 5 minutes straight running on the middle of 1.7 miles total.
Peanut m&ms
Asian buffet: 2 plates main meal, 1 plate dessert
Jabanero bacon cheeseburger
Fudge sundae
Cheesecake brownie Ben & Jerry's.
Est 4000.
130.4
Half bun Jr bacon cheeseburger 350
Small fry at Culvers 360
(710)
Cajun chicken 100
Southwest corn (comes in seasoned frozen packages, tastes like tacos. Is delish) 180
(990)
Protein shake 190
(1180)
Chow mein veggies 150
PB & strawberry on Ezekiel bread (low glycemic I., mass from sprouted grains) 390
(1720)
ONE-THIRTY EVEN.
I CAN TASTE THE 120S.
Vanilla cone 170
McDouble 390
Mozzarella 80
(640)
Never had the mozzarella. Busy work night. Final total 560, oy.
Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
Ice cream cone 170
Mozzarella stick 80, 6, 1, 0, 6?
Small homemade cupcake 250?
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
(750, can't total everything unless I feel like guesstimating the cupcake's everything, which I really don't atm)
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
(940)
Ham & Swiss 260
(1200)
Peanut butter 190
(final 1390)
132.4 after a nice deficit day. Dontobsessoverit, dontobsessoverit.
Banana Chobani 140, 3, 18, 0, 11
Vanilla protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Later: After a bathroom visit 130.8 WOO.
American cheese 120, 9, 4, 0, 2
On cauliflower & broccoli 120, 0, 7, 7, 4
(570 cals, 17 fat, 54 net carbs, 12 fiber, 27 protein)
Southwest corn 180, 4, 30, 2, 4
Beef & cheddar sandwich 430, 24, 23, 3, 32
(1180 cals, 45 fat, 108 net carbs, 17 fiber, 63 protein)
Apple butter isn't really "butter," it's closer to a jelly. It is pureed apple, very sweet, with lots of spices added. Sort of like apple pie concentrate that you spread on toast or biscuits. It is divine. People give each other expensive watches, too? Wow, I can't even imagine.
I woke up with a sloshy, sour stomach after yesterday's indulgences. I guess it shouldn't be surprising. I am stressed out and feeling like a slug. I will wait to weigh until tomorrow so food belly doesn't give me a fake high number. I want to curl up in bed with a book and not move today. I might. I am probably (briefly) meeting up with Hummingbird next week for the first time since I started the email confrontation about initiating "stage combat" without warning me. It's more of a subject for my other blog, but I don't want to make a whole post about it. That is not helping the not-moving or the sloshy-stomach issues.
Creamed spinach 230, 13, 8, 5, 8
Beef pot roast 360, 16, 29, 5, 20
Parmesan cheese 100, 5, 0, 0, 10
(690, 34, 37, 10, 38)
Cream cheese & Nutella sandwich 400, 21, 42, 4, 6
(1090 cals, 55 fat, 79 carbs, 14 fiber, 44 protein)
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
(1280 cals, 60 fat, 104 net carbs, 19 fiber, 54 protein)
131.4! Lowest number since I dropped off low carb.
I ate too much today, but it wasn't the desperate miserable kind of overeating. I was trying a new restaurant near work while I waited to meet a coworker friend, and had a fried chicken thigh, fried potatoes, mac & cheese, and a biscuit with butter and apple butter.
Later (it is bedtimeish now) I had a Frisco burger and a brownie sundae. I have not had proper chocolate in ages, and the craving still persists. Hopefully this will satisfy it for a while :)
Back to moderation tomorrow! Goal will be 1600 cals.
Zombie training is being hampered by an icky combination of hear and depression. Hopefully one or the other will give me a break soon.
I seem to have recently settled into a daily total of what, 1600ish? I like it. I want something more extreme but this is coming fairly easily to me. It should be SUSTAINABLE, which is hard to come by in disordered behaviors. I will try to keep this up.
Today might be a little higher as my sleep was totally hijacked by a morning (aka Sleepytime) phone call that turned out to BE an interview.
Fudge sundae 330
Beef & Swiss sandwich, pb & h sandwich 1100
I am worn out on counting macros. Making a carb limit just doesn't work right now. Not sure if I'll continue tracking everything or not. Maybe not, for now at least.
Protein shake 190
Chobani 100
(1730 cals)
Cottage cheese, chow mein noodles 290
(2020)
132.4
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 5
Mozzarella 80, 6, 1, 0, 6
Mozzarella 80, 6, 1, 0, 6
Protein waters 60, 0, 2, 10, 10
Wendy's chili 270, 8, 23, 8, 8
Crackers 200, 8, 40, 0, 8
(1070, 38, 117, 18, 48)
2 sausage burritos & hash brown with ketchup (I'll look them up tomorrow. Plus I did some misbehaving so didn't quite eat all of that meal. Will need to guesstimate)
Approx 1500
One pound a week puts me back in the 120s. I want much lower, but I don't think more is reasonable at this point. Even the 4 will be a challenge. I haven't really lost weight since March, and I was up to my eyes in rehearsal then. Now I'm totally frazzled about work so work days are tough to control my intake, and there is nothing I HAVE to be doing on my days off so I have a lot of time on my hands to get stuck obsessing over food.
Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
What if... What if I give up the weight loss bullshit and focus on exercise... I might manage to shrink a little through fat loss? I dunno. I'm feeling pretty discouraged atm because I feel like I'm right back where I've been for the better part of a year: stuck in the 130s. I'm also scared that the smallish weight gain I've had is going to turn into more weight gain, and not being able to stop that is a terrifying thought.
McChicken, half bun, plus cheese 350 cals, approx 20 g fat, 26 net carbs, 1 fiber, 16 protein
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Vanilla cone 170, 5, 27, 0, 5
(740, 30, 79, 11, 36)
Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
(770, 30, 80, 16, 41)
Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
Frozen Chobani 150, 3, 19, 0, 11
(950 cals, 33 fat, 100 net carb, 21 fiber, 57 protein)
Turkey cheddar sandwich 310, 11, 27, 3, 30
(1260 cals, 44 fat, 127 net carb, 24 fiber, 87 protein)
133 dry weight. I would blame it on the Mexican dinner sitting inside me but it's already pushed things through to make room for itself.
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
My protein water is already hard to find, but the store where I get it has taken the space off the shelf for the strawberry kiwi crack flavor. I am in mourning.
I am going back and forth among wanting to screw it all and binge, wanting to seriously restrict (I was stable at 127 for a while! I have gained 6 pounds! I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS), and wanting to just be a good girl and eat the right things to get my stomach happy again.
If I can get in the pattern of really only eating once a day, it will rest my stomach most of the time AND allow a little wiggle room for times when I want to indulge.
Cottage cheese 220, 10, 8, 0, 26
Chow mein noodles 70, 3, 8, 1, 1
(510, 18, 42, 11, 42)
Peanut m&ms 220, 11, 25, 1, 4
(730, 39, 67, 12, 46)
Breaded fish 720, 42, 51, 9, 24
Ketchup 60, 0, 15, 0
Rosemary veggies 200, 6, 25, 7, 6
(1710 cals, 87 fat, 158 net carbs, 28 fiber, 76 protein)
I'm super super full after the fish & veggies, so hopefully this is final.
Mexican dinner celebrating a good job interview. 4 enchiladas (cheese, chicken, beef, bean), queso, salsa, chips. Cals: lots. Fat: lots. I don't care.
Also had a vanilla cone, 1 protein shake, 4 mini York mints, a small bag of peanut butter m&ms, and a cream cheese with grape jelly sandwich. (approx 900 cals)
I weighed this "morning" (did not sleep between work and interview) at 133 after drinking, so I think Im about 132 dry weight. Could be worse, considering all the binges.
Scale remains buried.
My tummy is still a little off. Things are racing through me. My dinner last night was too much for comfort.
I'm not consuming the 2 shakes/3 waters enough to honestly make it a baseline. It's more work subtracting things I didn't consume each day, so I'll list things one by one again.
I kind of want to let my stomach rest, but of course ginger always gets the best of me.******
So far good though.
Only 2 protein waters and my night is almost half over. 60, 0, 2, 10, 10
******My autocorrect did a naughty thing. That was supposed to say hunger gets the best of me. Nothing against fingers though ;) Ginger ale is nasty.
But Diet Sprite might be worth a shot. But bubbles are supposed to be had for acid production. (sigh)
I had 3 hospital ice cream cups does together in a bowl to make neopolitan ice cream (strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate). I thought something cool and creamy might be soothing, but I was wrong. I expect to have a protein shake before I head home from work so I'll add it now.
190, 5, 25, 5, 10
SONOFABITCH the ice cream cups have nutrition info on the lid in microscopic print. Yesss.
Strawberry 120, 6, 15, 0, 2
Vanilla 120, 7, 13, 0, 2
Chocolate 140, 7, 17, 0, 3
(650 cals, 25 fat, 72 net carb, 15 fiber, 27 protein)
If you can't tell from the lack of numbers, I have buried my scale again. It is evil.
Baseline 470, 10, 53, 25, 35
American cheese 180, 14, 6, 0, 9
Broccoli & cauliflower 110, 0, 7, 7, 3
Vanilla cone 170, 4, 27, 0, 5
(950 cals, 28 fat, 93 carbs, 32 fiber, 56 protein)
2.5 mile walk (the ice cream was my reward)
Turkey & provolone sandwich 300, 10, 28, 3, 30
Rosemary veggies 200, 6, 25, 7, 6
(1450, 44, 146, 42, 92)
Minus baseline shakes not had
(1230, 39, 120, 32, 77)
raspberry danish 210, 4, 41, 0, 4
Cream cheese & light strawberry jelly sandwich 240, 9, 33, 3, 8
(1680, 52, 194, 35, 89)
Yesterday was 1600 calories. It is not 1200, but it sure beats 4-5000!
Today I have a bit of a fever and feel pukey. I kept down a protein water. I will play it by ear for the day.
Baseline 470, 10, 53, 25, 35
Teriyaki chicken. 420, 18, 12, 0, 51
Italian herb veggies 150, 6, 5, 6, 6
(1040 cals, 34 fat, 70 net carb, 31 fiber, 92 protein)
Raspberry danishes 630, 11, 123, 0, 12
(1670, 45, 193, 31, 104)
I have not yet had the second protein shake, and I hope to get to sleep soon. If I succeed, totals will be down to
1480 cals, 40 g fat, 168 carb, 26 fiber, 94 protein
Next day: Woohoo no 2nd shake! Those are my final numbers. Now I've had TWO good days :D
I'm going to start with a baseline of 2 protein shakes and 3 protein waters, so I'm going to list those all together each day and just add on the real food I consume. My goal is to have one proper meal a day at bedtime so that I can have a full belly to take my meds & vitamins with. It is also very hard for me to sleep if I'm hungry.
Baseline 470 cals, 10 fat, 53 net carb, 25 fiber, 35 protein.
Cottage cheese 220, 9, 10, 0, 24
Jalapeno cheese 160, ?, 2, 0, ?
Breakfast burritos 600, 32, 52, 2, 24
Hash brown 150, 9, 15, 2, 1
1600 cals, 132 net carbs
Special K Protein Shake 190 cals, 5 g fat, 25 net carb, 5 fiber, 10 protein
Protein shake 190, 5, 25, 5, 10
Special K Protein Water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
Teriyaki chicken (3 servings) 420, 18, 12, 0, 51
Rosemary veggies 200, 6, 25, 7, 6
(1030 cals, 34 fat, 88 net carbs, 22 fiber, 82 protein)
3 miles walked with 2 one-minute running intervals, total 54 minutes
Protein water 30, 0, 1, 5, 5
(1060, 34, 89, 27, 87)
And then there was the cake. I didn't throw out the rest of that horrible not-chocolatey chocolate cake, then there I was stuffing the rest of it into my mouth. Definitely binge-level activity going on here.
I need to stop this before the scale really starts heading north :(
I had dinner at a lovely Indian buffet. It kind of broke my heart by not having saag paneer or samosas, but it mostly made up for that by having paneer tikka masala. Tikka masala is my favorite stew type dish. I would have liked chicken in it but this restaurant is vegetarian, and paneer is delish too. They also had crispy battered spinach that was like potato chips made out of spinach. Also an appetizer I didn't get the name of that is a very thin cheesy tasting dough pan fried and folded around a seasoned potato filling. Mmmm.
Then ths bad part of my Last Hurrah: the chocolate. I bought a chocolate cake with chocolate icing and cherries on top. The trouble is the icing is that horrible whipped stuff. It doesn't taste like chocolate, it tastes like creamy air. Y U NO CHOCOLATE, BAKERIES? My recent cupcake binge had a similar problem. Not chocolatey at all. My chocolate cravings have not been satisfied at all, but like a fool I kept eating more cake thinking that if I kept going it might taste better. Or something. Blech. Contemplating going to Steak N Shake drive thru for a 3 am already-sicky-full brownie sundae because tomorrow I'm going hardcore and I don't want unsatisfied cravings lingering in my mind...
The Unimpressive Finale:
Apparently 4 am is "clean the ice cream maker" time for 24 hour fast food restaurants, so my attempt at a cheap hot fudge sundae failed.
Instead I got a sausage egg and cheese biscuit (something else I won't he able to have for a while).then came home and stole a mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich from K.
Will update on my main blog soon about doc and tummy stuff. Dietary reform is required. But not today lol. Im thinking Sunday. One bad week, three good for June. Plus I'm gearing up for some major diet changes and I need a wee bit of time to steel myself for it (plus shop for groceries).
Today so far coworker donation of freshly made chicken salad on rye, YUM. Peanut butter on a sugar cookie, and a glass of milk.
Weighed at the doc, 137 clothed daytime weight. Yikes.
Ice cream cone, McChicken, Japanese hibachi grill (filet mignon, stir fried veggies, fried rice), brownie batter concrete mixer (ice cream dish) from Culver's. Trefoils (shortbread cookies). Cheese, olives.
(lots, crapton, not enough)
Am thinking of having "idgaf part 2" today. Am at work so no opportunities for anything particularly heinous.
Protein waters 60, 2, 10
Hospital ice cream (will google approximate nutrition info) 200? 40? 0?
Snickers 250, 32, 1
Ham & cheese on wheat 340, 26, 3
Vanilla milkshake 530, 86, 0
(1380, 186, 14)
Peanut butter 190, 6 , 2
(1570, 192, 16)
Protein water 30, 1, 5
(1600, 193, 21)
Grilled cheese.680, 50, 6
2280, 243, 27
Cupcake ? ? ?
Protein water 30, 1, 5
Vanilla come 170, 27, 0
Breakfast croissant 450, 30, 2
Hash browns 190, 15, 2
(840, 73, 9)
2.7 mile walk WITH ONE MINUTE RUN! I was feeling frisky.
Turkey, provolone 260, 6, 0
Protein water 10, 1, 5
Triscuits 60, 10, 2
(1190, 90, 16)
 |
| Oddly, they don't taste like coconut to me. They taste toasty/buttery. "Crack" is an ingredient. |
 |
| HOLY CRAP IT'S BACK and it doesn't say seasonal anymore! My True Love! Also has "crack" on the ingredients list. 20-some net carbs, but all from whole grains, veggies, and legumes. Totally worth it. |
April 30: 134
May 11: 133
May 13: 129.8
May 18: 130.2
May 22: 129
I feel like I've been stuck at about 130 and not getting anywhere. I'm giving myself a reminder that I was at 134 at the beginning of the month, and that the weight gain was definitely real. I was bigger. My chest even filled in a little. Poor, poor bosom. I have destroyed it. My waist is back down two out of three inches I had piled on. I haven't been 100% consistent with the low carb, but 3 bad days out of almost 3 weeks is not that bad in the big picture. When I do emotional eating I have mostly succeeded in keeping it low carb. I have mostly succeeded in not deliberately restricting my total calorie intake below a healthy level.
If I take 134 as my start weight, I have lost 5 pounds in less than 3 weeks. Considering my "normal" start weight, that is not bad at all. I think I will continue what I'm doing through the end of week 4, then evaluate where I want to go from there. I hope to take off a total of 6-8 pounds by then.
Black olives 12, 1
Banana Chobani 19, 1
(31,2)
Cottage cheese with chow mein noodles 22, 2 (I splurged on a giant handful of noodles)
Protein water 1, 5
(54, 9)
Sun 60, 16
Mon 59, 13
Tues 128, 36
Wed 26, 17
Thurs 115, 20
Fri 400, 10 est
Sat 314, 4?
1,102 net carbs, average 158 daily.
116 fiber, average 16 daily.
130.2
2% milk 26, 0
Cabernet sauvignon 6, 0
Mixed nuts 14, 4
Microwave dinner (chipotle beef and sweet potatoes) 30, 2
Protein water 1, 5
(77, 11)
Nuts 14, 4
(91, 15)
Pb/honey/whipped cream on 1 slice bread 26, 3
(117, 18)
A little high, but I was trying to handle cravings with what little food I have left in the house... Grocery shopping tomorrow.
